[Intro, spoken]
Hi gang, uh—Just woke up so I thought I'd serenade to you—serenade you rather with a song, uh—It's about my life, it's something that I need to come to realize and all of you should come to realize. Take it as it is, digest it, soak it in, then... Use it as you will. Okay

[Verse 1]
Every time I go to dinner
Seems like I'm getting a little bit thinner
I'll sit down at the breakfast table
I can talk, well, they’re not able
When I look at them I find
There's a single question on their mind

[Pre-Chorus]
I wish it could go back to the way it was
It’s not easy now because

[Chorus]
My whole family thinks I'm gay
I guess it’s always been that way
Maybe it’s ‘cause of the way that I walk
Makes them think I like... boys
—That I like boys

[Verse 2]
The goddamn question just won’t go away
And I get asked every single day
But the way they ask it is no disguise
Like, “How was your day, do you like to kiss guys?”
[Pre-Chorus]
This was the worst, baby, this was my fear
Now their opinions are crystal clear!

[Chorus]
Because, my whole family now is shocked
I’m in the closet and the door is locked
Now my glory days are gone
I was John Elway, now I’m Elton John
My whole family now suspects
Watching SpongeBob had side-effects
But I’m not gay and that’s what I said
If I’m gay, then, God, strike me dead, you know?

[Coughing and choking]

(spoken)
That’s weird

[Verse 3]
Just 'cause I'm on the cheerleading team
Or my birthday party had a Broadway theme
When I go outside what do I see?
That the clouds in the sky spell F-A-G

[Chorus]
Because, I think that God might think I’m gay
What does he know anyway?
My Grandma gave me a present just last year
And the card said, “Happy Birthday, Queer”
'Cause my whole family thinks I’m fab
“There’s a guy’s butt. Hey, Bo, take a stab.”
(spoken)
Come on?
“Why doesn’t he get women? There’s no other way”
It’s ‘cause I’m lanky not ‘cause I’m gay, alright?

(sung)
Not ‘cause I’m gay

[Verse 4]
Just ‘cause I’m afraid of the snow
Or my favorite color is the rainbow

(spoken)
That was a joke

(sung)
I don’t mean to yell but I fear I must
Because I’m losing the people that I thought I could trust

[Bridge]
Because even my boyfriend thinks I’m gay

(spoken)
Just kidding, ha!

(sung)
You all probably think I’m gay
Man, this song is counterproductive
La, la-la-la-la
[Chorus]
Baby, my whole family thinks I’m gay
What am I suppose to say?
Baby, you gotta look right through the haze
Easy-Bake Oven was just a phase
My whole family thinks I’m queer
That is all I ever hear
But I’ve been as straight as a ramp
If you don’t count Bible camp
Bible camp

[Outro]
I’m not gay, I swear