[Spoken Intro]
Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Bo Burnham!
Uh, thanks. Um... Welcome to my show; it's called:
"If You Sing Along I'll Fucking Kill You."
Uh, this is a song

[Verse 1]
Every time I go to dinner
It seems like I'm getting a little bit thinner
I'll sit down at the breakfast table
I can talk; they're not able
When I look at them I find
There's a single question on their mind
I wish it could go back to the way it was
It's not easy now because

[Chorus 1]
My whole family thinks I'm gay
I guess it's always been that way
Maybe it's 'cause of the way that I walk
That makes them think I like... boys
That I like boys

[Verse 2]
The Goddamn question just won't go away
And, I get asked it every single day
But, the way they ask is not a disguise
Like "Uh, how was your day? Do you like to kiss guys?" (That's... funny)
This is the worst; baby, this was my fear
Now, their opinions are crystal-clear because
[Chorus 2]
My whole family now is shocked
I'm in the closet, and the door is locked
Now my glory days are gone
I was John Elway; now I'm Elton John
My whole family now suspects
That watching SpongeBob had side-effects
I'm not gay, and that's what I said
If I'm gay, hey God, strike me dead
[Hacking/coughing]

[Verse 3]
Just cause I'm afraid of the snow
Or my favorite color is the rainbow
I don't mean to yell, but I fear I must
'Cause I'm losing the people that I thought I could trust because

[Bridge]
Even my boyfriend thinks I'm gay (Motherfuck--)
You all probably think I'm gay
Man, this song is counterproductive
La la la la la

[Chorus 3]
Because my whole family thinks I'm gay
What do they know anyway?
You gotta look right through the haze
Easy-Bake Oven was just a phase
My whole family thinks I'm queer
That is all I ever hear
But I've been as straight as a ramp
If you don't count Bible camp
[Spoken Outro]
Thanks for comin' out, uh
Hey, so those ASU girls are pretty hot, any of you... any of ya?
Okay, this isn't a great example, but um...
I'm just kidding, you're in the dark, I couldn't see you
I bet you're gorgeous in the dark; um
You like my shirt? (Yeah)
Um, back home they call me the tie-dye shirt kid
Well, that and faggot; um