[Verse 1]
I never wanted to say "nig-nog"
I was never keen on "Paki"
Or "capitalist lackey"
I thought was rather tacky
It was never on my lips
But there's a term I'm rather fond of
And to use it I do hanker
Its not heard in Casablanca
The little word is "wanker"
As a term its had it's chips

[Chorus 1]
They say its not correct
Its got to go
They say its too direct
Well I don't know
If it is never heard
Then how convey
That very special word
Another way?

[Verse 2]
He is a little self abusive
His mitts are always in his nicks
He prefers to jiggle solo
Hе prefers his own last Rolo
To a bag of pick-and-mix
He writеs for 'Masturbation Weekly'
When opportunity occurs
If you're buying him a present
His and hers things can be pleasant
But don't bother wrapping hers
[Verse 3]
I never wanted to say "fart face"
I don't find "arsehole" too appealing
It depends with whom you're dealing
And its just a personal feeling
But I don't like how it sounds
But political correctness
Has taken hold just like a canker
I would like to nick a tanker
And run down the stupid wanker
Who has put it out of bounds

[Chorus 2]
Alright its not correct
I'm out of touch
But please reflect
It says so much
Are there some other ways?
Its such a shame
Is there another phrase
That means the same?

[Verse 4]
His scrotum isn't used to strangers
There are no condoms on his shelf
When his tones caress and soften
When he asks "Do you come here often?"
He is talking to himself
He'll never need a big address book
'Cos all his friends are in his flies
A dick may sometimes disappear
But it won't drag you 'round Ikea
Or buy you polyester ties
[Chorus 3]
And if its not correct
Its awfully cute
I feel I must reject
A substitute
Though it may make you squirm
You find it strong
To use another term
Just takes so long

[Verse 5]
His favourite film is 'Brief Encounter'
He has the tissues standing by
He thought 'Get Shorty' was just silly
He was mad about 'Free Willy'
And its easy to see why
His wrists keep very fit and active
They'll never need to join a gym
He has no need of friend or neighbour
He can toss without a caber
Altogether lucky him

[Verse 6]
The world is full of different people
Some are moral, some are heinous
Some are ugly, some like Venus
Some take photos of their penis
We all have our different acts
And as the world turns through a new day
We know that bankers will be banking
Harassed mothers will be spanking
No doubt wankers will be thanking you and me for facing facts