[Verse 1]
Oh dear! What can the matter be?
Eight o'clock at night on a Saturday
Tracey Clegg and Nicola Battersby
Coming to town double quick

[Verse 2]
They rendezvous in front of a pillar
Tracey's tall like Jonathan Miller
Nicola's more like Guy the Gorilla
If Guy the Gorilla were thick

[Verse 3]
Their hair's been done. It's very expensive
Their use of mousse and gel is extensive
As weapons, their heads would be classed as offensive
And put under some kind of a ban

[Verse 4]
Thеy're covered in pеrfumes, but these are misnomers
Nicola's scent could send dogs into comas
Tracey's kills insects and dustbin aromas
And also gets stains off the pan

[Chorus 1]
But it's their night out
It's what it's all about
Looking for lads, looking for fun
A burger and chips with a sesame bun
They're in the mood
For a fabulous interlude
Of living it up, painting the town
Drinking Bacardi and keeping it down
But it's all alright
It's what they do of a Saturday night
[Verse 5]
Oh dear! What can the matter be?
What can than terrible crunching and clatter be?
Cowboy boots of Nicola Battersby
Leading the way into town

[Verse 6]
They hit the pub, and Tracey's demeanor
Reminds you of a loopy hyena
They have sixteen gins and a rum and Ribena
And this is before they've sat down

[Verse 7]
They dare a bloke from Surrey called Murray
To phone the police and order a curry
He gets locked up. It's a bit of a worry
They won't have to see him again

[Verse 8]
They're dressed to kill and looking fantastic
Tracey's gone for rubber and plastic
Nicola's dress is a piece of elastic
It's under a heck of a strain

[Chorus 2]
But it's their night out
It's what it's all about
Ordering drinks, ordering cabs
Making rude gestures with doner kebabs
They're in the mood
For a fabulous interlude
Of weeing in parks, treading on plants
Getting their dresses caught up in their pants
And it's all alright
It's what they do of a Saturday night
[Verse 9]
Oh dear! What can the matter be?
What can that terrible slurping and splatter be?
Tracey Clegg and Nicola Battersby
Snogging with Derek and Kurt

[Verse 10]
They're well stuck into heavyish petting
It's far too dark to see what you're getting
Tracey's bra flies off, how upsetting
And several people are hurt

[Bridge]
Oh dear, oh dear
Oh dear, oh dear

[Verse 11]
Oh dear! What can the matter be?
What can that moth-eaten pile of old tatters be?
Tracey Clegg and Nicola Battersby
Getting chucked off the last Ninety-Two

[Verse 12]
With miles to go and no chance of hitching
And Nicola's boots have bust at the stitching
Tracey laughs and says, "What's the point bitchin'?
I couldn't give a bugger. Could you?"