[Chorus]
Listening to my penis, listening to my penis
I swear I would be a genius if I stopped listening to my penis

[Verse 1]
I should be studying and working hard
My future depends on it, this is bizarre
Why am I standing in this noisy club
With people I hate; what the fuck?
This doesn't make sense, I hate this place
12 dollar drinks and a shitty DJ
Obnoxious douchebags and easy girls
Oh yeah, that's why I'm here, the easy girls
I can't believe that it's come to this
Do all this just to cum? It's ridiculous
I know I sound sexist, but I'm a feminist
But the problem's my dick is an idiot
But when it comes to arguments, he always wins
Rationality can not compete with orgasms
I lost my train of thought, this girl's so hot
Here I go again, I have to stop

[Chorus]
Listening to my penis, listening to my penis
I swear I would be a genius if I stopped listening to my penis
[Verse 2]
I hate this girl, why am I talking to her?
She's a horrible person but my mind's a blur
'Cause she's wearing a skirt and a push-up bra
Goddamn her and that push-up bra
My mind keeps telling me to walk away
"Jon, just go home and masturbate
Don't waste your money and your time
With this really ditzy girl that you don't even like"
But my dick is like "Hey! I'm here to stay!
You're gonna do everything that I say!
First get her drunk, it'll be easier!"
And if she wants to dance, then fucking dance with her!"
But I hate this music and I hate dancing
And there's no way I can afford all these drinks
"Hey! Do what you have to do to get me inside!
You know very well you won't win this fight"
So five minutes later, I'm on the dance floor
Dancing to Kesha; man, I hate that hoe
And I hate myself, and I hate my cock
'Cause it's hard as a rock and I have to stop

[Chorus]
Listening to my penis, listening to my penis
I swear I would be a genius if I stopped listening to my penis
[Verse 3]
Stumble out of the bar, it's 2 in the morning
Dead on the inside but still horny
So I try to get this girl back to her place
But she says she's hungry, so I have to wait
Now I'm in a diner; it's almost 3
She's talking about her cat and reality TV
I really should just go home and go to sleep
But her goddamn cleavage is staring right at me
And I just wanna spend a little time in there
Which reminds me of a quote by Voltaire:
"Anything too stupid to be spoken is sung"
And I have been singing a lot since I have begun

[Chorus]
Listening to my penis, listening to my penis
I swear I would be a genius if I stopped listening to my penis

[Verse 4]
So I'm back at her place; 4 AM
Finally, playtime begins
All my hard work is about to pay off
But all of a sudden, there is a knock
On her door; she starts to freak out
She tells me she thought her boyfriend was out of town
He kicks the door down, I jump out the window
I didn't even have the time to grab my clothes
So I'm running like a motherfucker down the street
Fully erect and still horny
I finally give in, this has to stop
So I hide in some bushes and I start to jerk off
I'm almost done when I see flashing lights
A squad car just appears out of the night
I try to run, and that's when I cum
Surrounded by cops at the break of dawn
See, this is what happens when you listen to your dick
You become an irrational insane prick
Now I'm sitting in a cell, ashamed and naked
How the fuck will I explain this to my wife and kid?
[Chorus]
Listening to my penis, listening to my penis
I swear I would be a genius if I stopped listening to my penis