I can see it in your eyes girl
That you're in the mood for love
So I light some candles, pour some wine
Come sit down on the rug

But there's something I must tell you, babe
Before we take this step
Something about me girl
That you do not know yet

I have no penis
It was torn off
In a bicycle accident, in 1999
I also lost one testicle
So all I have is a weird uni-ball
And a rubber tube, between my legs
But babe, I can love you in different ways

I'll make love to you with the rubber tube
That I use for urinating
I'll just tape two Popsicle sticks around it
Make it easier for penetrating

And having only one ball
Isn't always a bad thing
It's like a pool ball in a pillow case
It's like a cherry on a sundae
'Cause girl
I have no penis
I have no cock
If it looks like I have a ball, just 'cause I stuff it with a sock
Girl, I know that you're afraid
But I promise, baby, if you stay
I'll put a cucumber in the microwave
And babe, I will love you in different...

...ways
Just because I don't have a cock
It doesn't mean I can't rock
Just because I don't have a cock
It doesn't mean I can't rock
Just because I don't have a cock
It doesn't mean I can't rock
Don't be fooled by my lack of a cock
I'm still Jonny from the block

O-o-oh yeah