Hi, I’m the Rap Critic. And I’d like to talk about Flo Rida. Well, I mean, I’d like to, but I can’t seem to… I can’t, uh… I can’t care. I mean, this guy has literally no personality. Nothing to draw me into wanting to look up anything about him as a person or as an artist. Which is what makes his success so baffling. If you consider the fact that the guy has NO presence on hip-hop websites or pop music sites in general, he doesn’t hang out with any specific crowd of people like Young Money or Mayback music, and if the guy combined the record sales of his last three albums he STILL wouldn’t be going gold, it’s staggeringly confusing to know that he’s had five top 10 songs in the last three years

You know, I wouldn’t be surprised if he was some rapping android, created by Warner Music Group to make inoffensive generic party songs that elicit maximum positive responses from night club patrons. And it’s not just because he makes club music, it’s because…well, I’ll put it like this. Have you ever seen that episode of Futurama where this character named Slurms MacKenzie, as a mascot for this company is contractually obligated to party all the time despite how tired he gets? Yeah, Flo Rida is the hip-hop version of that. When I hear his party songs, I don’t hear a person having fun. Take Lil’ Jon, for example. No one would argue that his music was nothing more than ridy, rambunctious music for clubs. But you know what? When you heard him screaming and shouting all over the track, you understood what type of person he was. Loud, raucous, and probably a lot of fun to be around at a party. What I get from Flo Rida when he makes a club song is that…he has to make a song about being in the club. I mean, that’s it. Every song is, “I Must Say Something About Models, And Then I’ll Say I’m Popping Bottles…”

But then I heard the title of this new song by Flo Rida called “I Cry”. And it kinda took me back a little bit. I mean, with a title like that, it can’t be just about partying, right? You have to say something other than “party party party”, and “drink drink drink!” So, out of pure curiosity, let’s look at Flo Rida’s latest single, I Cry

I know, caught up in the middle
I cry just a little, when I think of letting go

Oh, hey! This song actually does sound like it’s gonna be about something! So this song is about him being sad and having to let something go. I wonder what he could possibly be talking about? What actual peak into Flo Rida’s psyche are we going to get with this unexpectedly more reflective, sad and somber-

(second half of the chorus comes in with a dubstep beat)
I know, caught up in the middle
I cry just a little, when I think of letting go

Wha… What are you doing? The song is called “I Cry”. Why is the beat so up-tempo and not unhappy? Are you really gonna do this? Are you really gonna rap about being sad and melancholy over a manic dubstep beat?! Dude, not every song you make has to be for the clubs! You can have a couple slower, thoughtful songs. Not everything has to be, “I’m partying hard, IN THE CLUB!” “I’m lookin’ at this girl’s fat booty IN THE CLUB!” “I’m sad and contemplating the darker moments of my life. IN THE CLUB!” Well, whatever. Maybe he really has something to say, but they’d only let him do it over another ripped EDM song. Well, let’s hear it

I know you wanna get behind the wheel, but (there’s) only one Rida

…Oh. So it’s gonna be one of THOSE songs, huh? You know, those songs where the chorus is about one thing, but the verse is about something completely different? *Young Jeezy’s My President and Fat Joe’s Lean Back* Fantastic

Can’t let go, I got fans in Okinawa
My heart to Japan, quake losers and survivors

Oh, wait, oh, okay! So this song is dedicated to those who died in the earthquake in Japan!
Can’t let go, I got fans in Okinawa

W-Wait a minute, did you just allude to the idea of you having fans anywhere, let alone in Japan? Yeah, okay. Look, maybe it’s different in other countries, but in America… You know what? I’m detracting from the intention of this song. I think I should actually let this go. I mean, it’s not often that you get a song that relates to current events, especially from someone like…

Norway, no you didn’t get my flowers

What?

Norway, no you didn’t get my flowers
No way to say it better but the killer was a coward

Oh, he’s talking about the guy who caused the terror attacks in Norway. But wait…

Norway, no you didn’t get my flowers

…Why would you specifically note that you didn’t bring them flowers? Like, you might as well have said “Hey, your family died horrifically by being thrown into an active volcano. And uh, I bought nothing to symbolize my sympathy.” I mean, you don’t really have to send them flowers or anything, but when you specifically state that you didn’t, you kinda come off like a jerk! Or maybe this song is about how Flo Rida is some self-aware robot that sees the tragedy in the world and wants to do something to change it. But since he’s been programmed to only make crappy club music, he must let go of his aspirations. Kinda sad when you think about it!

Get mad ‘cause (of) the quarter million on my necklace

Wait…never mind

DUI never said I was driving reckless

Uh, why did you just bring that up? How does that in any way relate to the line before it? What, do you think your expensive chain is the reason why cops arrested you for being drunk while driving? You didn’t get a DUI because you have a chain; you got it because alcohol inheritance slows down reaction time, you moron!

You and I know that jealousy is not impressive
Neither is forgetting the topic of your own song, which is… What’s this song about again?

Oh no, I can’t stop, I was destined

Destined for what? Destined to be rich and successful? Is this what you’re supposed to be crying about? Because you know the song is called “I Cry”, right?

Champagne buckets, still got two tears in it

Oh, no! You have a quarter million dollars worth of jewelry on your neck, but you cry two tears into your bucket of $800 champagne?! Are you falling on hard times, Flo Rida?! Look, I understand how money doesn’t buy happiness, and that you can be rich and still have problems, but let me explain to you how empathy works. If you want the general public to care about how you feel, and the emotion you’re trying to get across is sadness, it makes it a little harder for us to really get it if you keep mentioning how much money you have. Because most of us don’t have that much money! See, there are plenty of musicians who are richer than all of us, but we still feel their music because they don’t bring it up in their sad songs. You think Man in the Mirror would have had the same impact if in the middle of the verse, Michael Jackson just started talking about the electric bill of his neverland ranch, and the fact that his last album raked in more money in a week than we’ll ever see in our entire lives? No! Because that pulls you out of the emotion of the song!

Buy my momma chandeliers, I’m in tears dammit
30 years you’d have thought these emotions vanished
Tryna live, tryna figure how your sister vanished
No cheers, I know you wouldn’t panic

Wait, w-w-w-wait. So this song is about the disappearance of your sister. -Or aunt, since he said “your” sister in reference to his mom.- And your family having to deal with such a tragedy? Wow. I-I didn’t even know that that had happened. I don’t think anyone knew; I mean that’s truly sad to have a family member suddenly disappear without any knowledge of where they can be. Well I’m certainly glad you decided to wait UNTIL THE LAST FOUR LINES OF THE SONG TO TELL US THAT! Seriously, was this devastating info not important enough to tell us about a couple lines ago?! Do gold chains and boogady vehicles take precedence over your freaking missing sister?! Geez, dude, what’s wrong with you?!

When I need a healing, I just look up to the ceiling
I see the sun coming down, I know it’s all better now

So, whenever you need to feel better, you just stare at the ceiling? I mean, I get looking at a sunset, a sunset’s beautiful. But first, you just look at the ceiling? He doesn’t even say he prays or anything, he just says, “I look at the ceiling, and I feel better now.”

Good god, this is some obvious pseudo-feel good crap right here. I give this a 2 out of 5. And yeah I know this episode is short, but you know what? This guy doesn’t deserve a full episode. And even so, what can you say about this, man? When what he’s rapping about isn’t unintelligible, he’s pretty much bragging about himself, with sprinkles of sadness thrown in every couple lines, and you know what? It was exactly what I was expecting. So let’s end this here so I can talk about a rapper that actually matters, like Kendrick Lamar, whose single probably still isn’t charting that well, if at all

Wait, what? Swimming Pools is actually in the top 40 right now, making the ending of my last episode completely irrelevant? Huh. Why is it that every time I’m optimistic about a good artist, they either disappear or become terrible? But when I’m either pessimistic about a good artist or I just want a bad artist to go away, they always stick around- Flo Rida, I hope your success is unending and that you stick around forever
I’m the Rap Critic. You don’t have to like my opinion, but I don’t have to like your song