Hi, I'm the Rap Critic, and these are the top 5 worst lyrics I've just happened to hear this month. Let's get started

5. Young Thug - "Picacho"

Now, this next song was Number 45 on Rolling Stone's list for the Top 100 songs of 2013, so I thought it deserved a proper listen, especially at the praise of such a prestigious magazine. So let's see what this "Young Thug" has to say

"Pikachu!"

(beat) Oh no, please, allow him to elaborate

"MY DIAMONDS, THEY SAY PIKACHU...they say pikachu...I'm a boss I walk through the club and just peek at you"

*snickers* I love how he sounds like he really thought that first line sounded good, but he had no idea how to tie it to any wordplay that would make sense. MY DIAMONDS THEY SAY PIKACHU...they say pikachu...uh...I'm a boss, I walk through the club...uh...I just...p-pi-

Seriously, this sounds like a really bad joke someone's dad told when they just heard about Pokemon. I mean...maybe he's saying that the diamonds are yellow, but that doesn't make it sound any less silly. Like, what if the diamonds were blue? MY DIAMONDS THEY SAY COOKIE MONSTER! They say COOKIE MONSTER! THEY SAY COO-

"MY DIAMONDS THEY SAY PIKACHU...they gon' wink at you"

Is that what they're going to do? They're going to wink at me? Is that how they're like Pikachu?

"I'm a boss, bitch, I'mma walk through and just peek at you"

Is that what bosses do? They just walk through the club with peep holes and just look at people?

"Yes sir, my shit looks like cameras flashin'"
Oh, ok, see now, they say "pikachu" because the diamonds flash like the Electric-type move in Pokemon! Ok, I'm glad it only took you until about halfway through the chorus to work that one out! However, it doesn't change the fact that you're a gangsta rapper whose most popular song is named after a kid's TV show character

"HANNAH MONTANA. HANNAH MONTANA. HANNAH MONTANA."

This needs...to NOT become a trend

4. Jay-Z - "Ain't No Love"

So this is "Ain't No Love" by Jay-Z, off of his classic album, "The Blueprint". Now, if you feel like the Jay-Z of today is too corporate and flavourless, go back and listen to that old Jay. Here, Hov' wastes no time to tell the harsh realities of living in the Marcey Projects back in the early 90s

"First The Fat Boys break up, now every day I wake up. Somebody's got a problam with Hov'."

The...the- the Fat Boys breaking up? This song is about how cold life is in the big city when you're a broke kid from the ghetto, and the first thing you thought of was the emotions you went through when the Fat Boys broke up? Was knowing that you'd never hear another rap about all-you-can-eat buffets getting you down, Jay-Z?

And that's not to diss them at all, but their biggest hit was about going surfing with the Beach Boys. They were a silly rap group that made songs about eating food and beatboxing, and I'm pretty sure most hip-hop heads would agree. I mean, when was the last time you saw THEIR names on one of those hip-hop graffiti collages?

And wait, he says after the Fat Boys broke up, that was when everyone started having problems with him. Well...how does that falling out directly affect you? What, were you their manager? I just don't understand why that was such a blow to your livelihood that you had to kick off the song like that. I mean, rest in peace, Buffy The Human Beatbox, but they didn't break new ground or anything. They didn't make hard-hitting material. They're pretty much the overweight Run-DMC. I mean, seriously! Who the hell cares about the Fat Boys?

"The Fat Boys broke up. Rap hasn't been the same since"

R-really, Nas? The fundamental fabric of hip-hop was forever altered by the disbanding of the Fat Boys? Did I miss something? Maybe I didn't properly listen to them when I was little. What words of wisdom were the Fat Boys departing to us?

"MY NUTS! There goes...MY NUTS! [...] My nuts are big and round like me, one is black and the other's white, and if that looks dumb, hey that's alright, they're MY NUTS!"

Yes, my nuts were important to the development of hip-hop. In fact, one could say that my nuts were semenal- seminal to the development of rap music
Now, that's not to discredit Jay-Z's song. Just...seemed like a really weird place to start it

3. Drake, Feat. Lil Wayne - "Miss Me"

Ok, now this is one of those Drake songs that I like...despite the fact that the verses go like this...

"I will have a model wife, your bitch is as hot as ice, every time you see me I look like I hit the lotto twice"

...and the chorus goes like this:

"When I finally make it home, I just hope that you miss me when I'm gone, Yeah that you miss me a little when I'm gone"

Yep, it's another example of the flip-flopping dichotomy of Drake

Yeah...I be gettin' more money than you, my life is awesome and I'm banging chicks all the time, but girl I miiiiiiss you...oh, ohhh...

But that's not the reason it's on my list. It comes back, as it always does, to Lil Wayne, who decided to fill his curse quota right out the gate

"Shit, motherfucker, god damn, kickin' bitches"

And then it gets into his standard bragging as usual...

"I'm 'bout to scoop your girl up like a ground ball."

Yeah, yeah, you can take my girlfriend
"I walk light, so I don't piss the ground off..."

Blah, blah, making- wait, what?

"I walk light, so I don't piss the ground off..."

Yeah...wouldn't wanna make the ground angry- why is that a concern for you? What, are you afraid of waking the Earth Gods, or something? Seriously, why has no-one questioned this? Why has no-one said anything about this lyric? Does Lil Wayne know something about the ground that we don't? Is it...sentient?! Or has everyone just accepted the fact that Lil Wayne is going to spout stupid crap from now on? Have we just accepted that?

2. Lil Wayne - "Yes"

"Yes, I do it big, call me little astronomical, Weezy F. Baby, and the F is for 'phenomenal'"

Lil Wayne...slap yourself

1. Eminem - "Rap God"

Oh, snap, Eminem is back with doper lyrics than ever!

"I'll still be able to break a mothafuckin' table over the back of a couple of faggots and crack it in half"

Did he just, like...QUINTUPLE his rhyming meter? This is awesome! Why is this on my "Worst Of..." list, again?

"Angels fight with devils and here's what they want from me: They're asking me to eliminate some of the women hate, but if you take into consideration the bitter hatred I had, then you may be a little patient and more sympathetic to the situation"

Uh, I thought this song was about being an awesome rapper, not garnering sympathy for your trust issues with women

"But if I can't batter the women how the fuck am I supposed to bake them a cake then?"

Wow, that's not funny! This sounds like a joke you'd tell at an Abusive Husband Convention, and what's worse is that's perceded by lyrics about how you should understand him, and how hurt he is deep down. Yeah, after a bunch of super-insane lyrics about ripping rappers apart, all of a sudden, he wants us to be sympathetic towards his plight as a wife-beater

STUPID WOMAN! *slap* And yet...pity me, for I've been emotionally-scarred! Why...slapping women doesn't make me feel better! It only makes me feel A LITTLE better! Woe is me, for I've been- hey, where do you think you're going?