[Verse 1]
In a cafe
On the Champs-Élysées
I saw a girl the other day
I was beguiled
'Til i saw her smile
It was a gash across her face

[Verse 2]
Not long ago she found that she was alone
So she wandered into a vaudeville show
She should have known it'd be bad
She saw the name that it had
The Straight Razor Cabaret
The first act was a stripper
And the host looked like Jack the Ripper
But the audience was dreary
So he slashed them smiles from ear to ear

[Chorus]
He used a straight-razor
Cause he's a face raper
And there's nothing he hates more than a stick in the mud
If he tells a joke
You'd better laugh until you choke
At the Straight Razor Cabaret
[Verse 3]
When I went down to Camden town
I saw a man reading a Bible
I won't in haste describe his face
For I might be sued for libel

[Verse 4]
Not long ago he found that he was alone
So he wandered into a vaudeville show
He should have known he'd be maimed
When he discovered the name
The Straight Razor Cabaret
While his trumpet stroked a Donkey
The host juggled five dead monkeys
But the audience were snobs
So he took a knife right to their gobs

[Chorus]
He used a straight-razor
Cause he's a face raper
And there's nothing he hates more than a stick in the mud
If he does a trick
You better laugh until you're sick
At the Straight Razor Cabaret

[Interlude]
La la, la la la la la, la la la la la la la la la
La la, la la la la la, la la la la la la la la la
[Chorus]
They call him straight-razor
Cause he's a face raper
And there's nothing he hates more than a stick in the mud
If he pulls a gaffe you better bloody up and laugh!
At the Straight Razor Cabaret!
At the Straight Razor Cabaret!
At the Straight Razor Caba-
La la, la la la la la, la la la la la la la la la
Everybody!
La la, la la la la la, la la la la la la la la la
At the Straight Razor Cabaret!