[Intro]
Ladies and gentlemen
What in the Sam Hill is happening to America?
Fire
Fury
Mark Zuckerberg
It's the battle of the two septuagenarians
Who will save us?
Silent generation my ass

[Verse 1: Jon Cozart as Donald Trump]
Good evening to all you hacks still practicing quarantine
(Hey, it's the real Donald Trump!) Yeah, I'm gracing your screens
Ladies? (He ain't quite done making America scream)
Hey Barron, hold my hydroxychloroquine
Half my crew's in the pen but I'm rollin' in deep
'Cause I got this sick beat like Corona-19
You think Biden's gonna sweep once my pеople hit the streets?
They want (Four morе years!) 'Bout to give em fourteen
I'm impressed the progressives were so quick to surrender
Got the left crying "uncle" electing a sex offender (Hee hee!)
One sec, let me mention this in case you can't remember
My name is Donald Trump, and it's really nice dementia
I'm relentless, I still got Herman Cain's support
See him tweetin' from the freezer truck behind the Walmart
Calling all the free thinkers: the death count is fake
The Boomers won't complain 'til it's 401k
Don't trust Doctor Fausty, the little devil's cursed
I'm good getting my science from QAnon, good nurse
Don't need to mince words, I'm a world-class jerk
Biden's spittin' out his dentures at the mention of dessert
Only illegals and dead people vote for your ass
Giftin' ballots to the ghosts of Latinxmas passed
I'm giving Jesucristo a hand with that Rapture
I love the Bible, heard I'm featured in the last chapter
My resumé? It's flawless, the markets go topless
I'm in bed with Big Tech, they're hard for MAGAnomics
Deregulated Wall Street, jet fuel economics
We'll watch it as the world trade topples from the optics
My tax cuts are massive, relax, slip it in
Yeah we're plowin' towards an iceberg, but bro, it's just the tip (Ah)
So don't bitch about the loopholes when the rich fund your pulpit
I know you know the tax code, you're the ho who wrote it
Secret's out, I'm an asshole, the electorate's indifferent
Twenty trillion in debt, pushing the bill onto their children
It's why they're called the Boomers—they sent a grenade in
I'm an exclamation point to finish off their generation
[Interlude: Secret Service Agents]
Joe Biden's lit
Let's hear him spit
He's got that nation in his grip
'Til arthritis hit
No need to run
He pacin' it
Replacement hip
Heh heh, Joe Biden's lit
Don't question it
Yeah, yeah, yeah

[Verse 2: Jon Cozart as Joe Biden]
Used to be a wingman
Now I'm balls deep in it, leakin' in
Bet I gotta clean the sheets from the beat
Bet you get 'em free when the Klan meet, with your family
You owe the IRS millions
How will you feel when I grab five trillion
From out the pants of your friends in the Hamptons
Put into hands of the standard civilian
Got an interest in pragmatics, a fact addict
My resumé is straight fact, I don't pad it
You're running with a rat pack, trapped in the attic
Your camp is running fake ads, they don't have it
No time for the dramatic ('Matic)
In a word I'm bureaucratic ('Cratic)
But I heard it's a slur since you last had it
So I turn the flash off when I wreak havoc
Then static
My affiliation? Moderate
My promise is: Make politics a yawn again
Speak softly, pack a long stick
Got a thick skin, that's Obama dick
To change a nation, play conservative
Segregation was ended by a surrogate
Like Lyndon, I know what my mission is
Lincoln wasn't even abolitionist
I'm not the hottest at the bar but I'm slammed
I like to do it in the dark, both hands
Bring you brekkie in bed, no pants
Butterface fine with a side of sliced ham
White bread in a tight jam
The budget? I'll double it, twice
Gotta green-splain science to the right
Raise the minimum wage fifteen overnight
That's the minimum age for your next teen wife
Bet you'll feel the heat when you head toward the light
When you beg for your pardon, better be more polite
Scalia knows Satan, rough from behind
If you're gonna drop the mic, pick it up upright
[Verse 3: Donald Trump]
Why don't you just say it? You're a radical leftist
When it comes to socialism, you can't even social distance
Little Joe Hidin', where's that communist doctrine?
Sure, I may be Russian, but at least I'm not Stalin
So Christians are your lucky charm? Hmm, that's suspicious
After killing babies, you're magically religious
You can't even pack a stadium, much less the courts
Sleepy Joe, go home to the other six dwarfs
You're too weak to keep me and my cabinet on the ropes
Better call up Obama to bust up this chiffarobe
All that time in the swamp, Joe, you're starting to prune
You're looking like the creature trailing the black goon
Put your hands in the air and pray I'm not bitter
I'm a riot with blue lives, and they're easily triggered
I'd throw you in prison before you ever got elected
But you'd probably be dead before you could finish your sentence
You're a typical Democrat, pretending to care
When black lives only matter to you every four years
Yeah, I'm proud of my boys, but I'll denounce white power
Want Hunter to love you? I'll grind you into white powder
Four more years, they want me reelected President
When you hear "four more years," the doctor's being generous
So in case you need reminding: Even if you squeak by
You'll be the least memorable president of Alzheim
[Interlude: Joe Biden & Donald Trump]
Republican, Democrat, we are all Americans
And as President, I promise I will—
—Loser
Huh?
What?
You're a loser, okay?
With the Ukraine thing
With your son
It's a huge deal
The fake news media—
—Will you shut up, man?
No!
I can't think
'Bout to take the route you tried with Don Jr, plan B

[Verse 4: Joe Biden]
You dropped Agent Orange on New York for what? A photo op?
Holdin' a Bible like a prop, poppin' tear gas like a soda pop
I noticed though, you got the photo cropped down to a solo shot
Though the cops were all around you like a Donald Duncan Donut shop
You ain't pro-life, you get weak kneed getting fingered by police
You only lift up women so you can see what's underneath
Strippin' healthcare to its bare bones and switching your positions
You're a deep fake Defarge, with the way you sow division
Too many characters in your cabinet, this America or Narnia?
Escaping into fantasy like every night for poor Melania
With Pence making claims on the coronavirus task force
"The virus came from China," like Ivanka Trump's bags were
Your flow's sick from Hope Hicks and the COVID flight crew
First time in four years I've heard "positive" news
Once you kill off your constituents, who's left to vote for you?
My soccer moms sure won't; better hope hicks do
For a century, the economy's done better under Democrats
You call yourselves conservatives; you don't even spend less
You sodomized the middle class, we're stuck in deuteronomy
Wandering through forty years of shoddy fiscal policy
You run the country like your business, so that's why we're in debt
You must be working on commission for that precious 1%
You don't like the news, so you stole the printing press
To pump the markets full of bull—a courtesy of the FEDs
You're done tearing at the fabric of American society
Like it's one of your lovers of the Bolshevik variety
I took the foot out my mouth and shoved it up your backside
From barebacking the Kremlin it fit just fine