[KO-KO]
As some day it may happen that a victim must be found
I've got a little list — I've got a little list
Of society offenders who might well be underground
And who never would be missed — who never would be missed!
There's the pestilential nuisances who write for autographs —
All people who have flabby hands and irritating laughs —
All children who are up in dates, and floor you with 'em flat —
All persons who in shaking hands, shake hands with you like that —
And all third persons who on spoiling tête-á-têtes insist —
They'd none of 'em be missed — they'd none of 'em be missed!

[Chorus]
He's got 'em on the list — he's got 'em on the list;
And they'll none of 'em be missed — they'll none of 'em be missed

[KO-KO]
There's the banjo serenader, and the others of his race
And the piano-organist — I've got him on the list!
And the people who eat peppermint and puff it in your face
They never would be missed — they never would be missed!
Then the idiot who praises, with enthusiastic tone
All centuries but this, and every country but his own;
And the lady from the provinces, who dresses like a guy
And who "doesn't think she dances, but would rather like to try";
And that singular anomaly, the lady novelist —
I don't think she'd be missed — I'm sure she'd not be missed!
[Chorus]
He's got her on the list — he's got her on the list;
And I don't think she'll be missed — I'm sure she'll not be missed!

[KO-KO]
And that Nisi Prius nuisance, who just now is rather rife
The Judicial humorist — I've got him on the list!
All funny fellows, comic men, and clowns of private life —
They'd none of 'em be missed — they'd none of 'em be missed
And apologetic statesmen of a compromising kind
Such as — What d'ye call him — Thing'em-bob, and likewise — Never-mind
And 'St— 'st— 'st— and What's-his-name, and also You-know-who —
The task of filling up the blanks I'd rather leave to you
But it really doesn't matter whom you put upon the list
For they'd none of 'em be missed — they'd none of 'em be missed!

[Chorus]
You may put 'em on the list — you may put 'em on the list;
And they'll none of 'em be missed — they'll none of 'em be missed!