Do I attract you
Do I repulse you
With my greasy Beard

And my perving
Slightly unnerving
Yes I'm a little bit weird

I can be gentle
I can be mental
I am repulsive and camp

Nobody likes me
Nobody likes me
I am a, hideous tramp

My name is Matthew Kelly
I used to do stars in their eye's
Till' I was sacked from the tele
After some paedaphile LIES

I was accused
Of having abused
A 12 year old child
He was molested
I was arrested
There was a high profile trial
I was aquitted
No crime was comitted
The jury believed my excuse
This song is over
I've got to go before somebody sues