Eight o'clock Monday
Night at the bingo
I finaly talked to a girl
A little older than me
Her name is Mabice
She's a pensioner that I know
She wares a cardigan and slippers
And a pair of false teeth
And when she walks
You can see her nipples touch her knees

She doesn't notice me
'Cos she's watching countdown
Fancies Terry Wogan
Waits outside the post office
Hours before it opens
Why won't she date me
I hope she doesn't hate me
I know she's nearly eighty
Know she's on heart
As I fail misserably
Trying to get the gran all the old guys want
She's the gran all the old guys want