Well, I was sittin' in the bathtub in the middle of the woods
When I looked over to see
A beautiful woman in another bathtub
Sittin’ right next to me
As our hands reached out and our fingers met
I said to myself, "Hey, self, I'll bet
Here's something I don’t want to miss
And I'll bet there's a pill for this"

Oh, there must be a pill for those times
When you want to feel fully alive
And you're not quite sure if you're up to the job
When the moment does arrive
But I've been told time and time again
That misery can turn to bliss
Whatever ill is ailing you
Well, there's gotta be a pill for this

If your heart can't beat or your eyes can’t see
And your ears can’t hear and your mind ain't free
And your nose is runny and your lips can’t kiss
Well, there must be a pill for this
If you have trouble eating or gaining weight
And you wake up early or sleep too late
If there's temptation you need to resist
Well, there's gotta be a pill for this
And if you lose your hair or lose your keys
Or your legs don't work and you need new knees
Ask anyone and they’ll insist
There's a pill for this

Oh, there must be a pill for those times
When you want to feel fully alive
And you're not quite sure if you're up to the job
When that moment arrives
But I've been told time and time again
That misery can turn to bliss
Whatever ill is ailing you
Well, there's gotta be a pill for this

If you can't go or you go too much
Can't catch your breath or you've lost your touch
If your mind is foggy and you're in a mist
There's a pill for this
If you're in a crowd when the big urge hits
Or your back or your front is givin' you fits
There's a guaranteed solution so don't be remiss
There's always a pill for this

And if your Vevo-Valveetas have a fever
And you're swollen up and there ain't no relief
For your bones that have grown so your clothes don't fit
Well, there's a pill for this
Oh, there's a pill to cure any woe
That'll speed you up fast or slow you down slow
If you're out of control and you're in a mess
Well, there's a pill for this
Oh, there must be a pill for those times
When you want to feel fully alive
And you're not quite sure if you're up to the job
When the moment does arrive
But I've been told time and time again
That misery can turn to bliss
Whatever ill is ailing you
Well, there's gotta be a pill for this

Yes, friends, there's a pill for everything
But you must be informed
There are possible side effects that may include
Fever, blisters, headache, insomnia, lethargy, geography
Algebra, diabetes, heart attack, gangrene, terrorist attack
Rattlesnake bite, voting, irregularities, constipation, aggravation
And a burning sensation, a troubled nation
A bad vacation, precipitation or the lack thereof
(Don't worry, just take that pill)

Well, there's bad news, but the good news is
That whatever is on your list
You can turn misery into bliss
'Cause there's a pill for this

Now, was there any water in them bathtubs?
I mean, I didn't see no soap or towels
How about a bath mat? Ha ha!
I don't want to get out of a tub in the middle of the woods in my bare feet
And what about a sink to shave and brush your teeth?
I didn't see any of those and you can't just take a pill
I mean, you got to shave too
And where does she plug in her hair dryer?
Hey, a woman ain't gonna get out of the bathtub without a hair dryer
And where's the spigots?
I need spigots in case I need more hot water
I mean, I don't like sittin' around in a tub of cold water
And wouldn't cold water offset the effects of the pill they're talking about?
Huh?
Let me tell you something
I don't know who comes up with these things
But they need to use a little more common sense
They need to have a little more practical experience
You know what I'm sayin'?
Huh? Huh?