[Robert Foster]
Welcome to the news this evening! We begin the set
With critical lyrical missiles prepped to transmit direct
Through the crown chakra of the world - the internet
The only free frequency for sound lulz and sharper intellect
No headlines on this show exposing paedophiles or hoodlums
But corporate crime f***ing our kids’ future in the open
And yes, we will be covering the biggest story to happen:
How we are failing, as a species, to live on this planet
As our fate looms closer, I'll be your host on the roster
Welcome to Juice Rap News, with me Robert Foster;
A report on our planet, our memes and sanity
Where we ask, what on Earth is going on with humanity?
Our correspondents have been deployed globally, ready for action
Embedded deep in our collective consciousness in its fractures
First up, representing the militarist faction
A regular guest direct from the Pentagon, General Baxter

[General Baxter]
That's right, General Baxter, reporting... for duty

[Robert Foster]
Tell us what's happening; any new wars or news of peace?

[General Baxter]
Excuse me for bragging, Bob, but on topics of fear'n'policy
The perfect choice of expert voice is me, obviously
I'm overjoyed to report that we’ve made peace, with war
It's been normalised, recognised as a core
Of daily reality

[Robert Foster]
War is Peace?

[General Baxter]
A truly exemplary
Way to commence this New American Century!
And to cement the empire this year we're bringing in
A new treaty for peace ‘n prosperity in the Pacific rim: the TPP

[Robert Foster]
The Trans-Pacific Partnership, but do the people agree?

[General Baxter]
We'll fast-track it through Congress while they’re deeply asleep
[Robert Foster]
Very kind indeed; but now let us search much deeper
With our resident esoteric guruji from the alternative media:
Terence Moonseed

[Terrence Moonseed]
Truth seekers! Follow the rabbit
Down the hole; I supply whole packets of red tablets
Wake up, Neo! This treaty is but a teeny facet
In a massive, drastic oceanic conspiracy to turn the Pacifist
Pacific Ocean into the ancient battle ground of Atlantis:

[Robert Foster]
How?

[Terrence Moonseed]
First: they cause a giant gyre of plastic;
Then a tsunami to smash the Yakuza Fukushima reactors
Leaking radioactive wasabi to poison all of tha sushi batches;
Then a new Holy Wood movie programs the stupid masses
For the signing into law of these genocidal ruthless tactics!

[General Baxter]
He's totally bat-shit

[Terrence Moonseed]
It's true, you globalist fascist!
If the treaty’s legit, why can't we know the facts and pacts in it?
[Robert Foster]
It is strange that it's being negotiated and handled
Behind closed doors away from reporters and cameras

[General Baxter]
But Bob! We learned from the failure of that ACTA
That the people are just too damn attached to
The internet, their rights, privacy, sovereignty and that crap
Meaning that we have to treaty in secrecy, and that's that

[Robert Foster]
Speaking of your secrets, have you found Edward Snowden?

[General Baxter]
The traitor?! He defected with our data and went and sold them
To the Russians!

[Robert Foster]
The Russians? Right, that's our chance to cross
To Moscow, with correspondent Ivan Sakamanev
Your thoughts?

[Ivan Sakamanev]
Ivan Sakamanev...
In Russia where is Sochi good time for snow sport

[Robert Foster]
So, Snowden?

[Ivan Sakamanev]
Benevolent Russian State
Protect political dissident from regime of USSA

[General Baxter]
You damn Commun… er Capitalist! Hand back our spy

[Ivan Sakamanev]
In space-race news: NASA now need our rockets to fly
And in race to rape planet : Russia get more resource
And not even need... what... two illegal wars?

[Robert Foster]
There have been protests against drilling the Arctic zone...

[Ivan Sakamanev]
Protests? You mean lost Greenpeace tourists we help get home?
Also Pussy Riot lost in Siberia, could've died
But Putin rescue them… now they change name: Pussy Quiet

[Robert Foster]
Moving on to the colonies:
In Australia, where, at this time of year people are solemnly honouring
The ongoing conquest of the continent. Correspondent Ken Oathcarn...
Are you celebrating?!!

[Ken Oathcarn]
Ken Oathcarn!

[Robert Foster]
Tell us what's going on

[Ken Oathcarn]
Solid rock … We're standing on... stolen ground
The problem now is the ocean, where sharks and boat people abound

[Robert Foster]
How are you dealing with them?

[Ken Oathcarn]
Pfft! walk in the park!
We feed the boat people to the sharks; and then, we kill the sharks

[Robert Foster]
Is refusing refugees legal?

[Ken Oathcarn]
Mate, is any of this legal?
Our Crime Minister says this is the ‘War On Boat People’

[Robert Foster]
Didn't your ancestors arrive there on boats by sea?

[Ken Oathcarn]
Australia was empty then; we came on the first fleet

[Robert Foster]
I see. Turning now to tax and finance, with Max Keiser

[Max Keiser]
Oh boy, feeding boat people to sharks in Australia?
I know what you're thinking: ....Hell
That sounds a lot like the central banks and what their doing to the nation's wealth
Right, Stacy?

[Robert Foster]
Er, Robert...

[Max Keiser]
That's it! they just rob it

[Robert Foster]
How can we stop it?

[Max Keiser]
Bypass the Fed’s pockets
Fight Klepto-currency with Crypto-currency, that’s the solution
Behead the banksters with the silver axe revolution!

[Robert Foster]
Revolution? What’s pop-culture got to say: Russell Brand…

[Russell Brand]
What, Robert, am I a mere celebrity? Am I not a man?
Ain't I got brains? Synonyms, metonyms in my gutter can't
What if I spoke all grandiloquent would you better understand?
And Keiser, Revolution's MY idea

[Max Keiser]
So you say
But do you have a plan? I do: Bitcoin. Buy today!

[Russell Brand]
Bitch-coin? I'm the messiah! I got Jesus hair, watch it sway

[Ivan Sakamanev]
Hey, English lady... wait... is man? ...Is Ga[CENSORED]??

[Terrence Moonseed]
These imposters just wanna profit and get laid
I'm the true prophet. Namaste!

[General Baxter]
Fear is your only God on the radio… Kneel and pray

[Russell Brand]
Buy my DVD today:
Revolution!

[Ken Oathcarn]
Ken Oathcarn

[Max Keiser]
BUY BITCOIN!

[Robert Foster]
Okay...
For today we'll have to delay these great clashes
Which we'll come to cover in subsequent dispatches
But before we advance to our final stage of analysis together
Here's Sage Francis with the weather

[Sage Francis]
We've been weathering the storm of local warnings about global warming
But, what about that beautiful red dawn when you awoke this morning?
We're suffering a cold front from motherfuckers who cold front

[Robert Foster]
Is one coat enough?

[Sage Francis]
No, Robert… bundle up
The cold war is still in effect. It's got a chilling effect on the press
Dissidents disseminate information which is Dylan-esque
'Cuz a hard rain's gonna fall. It may be frozen
In a high pressure system of whistleblowers 'til we're snowed in

Moving on to Googleview spy cam
You’ll see a fog of war slowly moving from the US to Iran
In Australia, we’re heading for at least three years of lows
In Yemen we're expecting a high chance of scattered strikes from drones

[Robert Foster]
Your Sage Forecast to end with tonight?

[Sage Francis]
The picture looks bleak, Robert, but expanding worldwide
The winds of change are in our range, they're finally in sight
For Juice Rap News, Sage Francis, good luck and good night

[Robert Foster]
And that concludes our views on the news this evening
So much occurring, but is there a meaning?
What is our story, who's writing it, and where is it leading to?
Seeking true bearings, we seem to turn to "The News"
But take heed, for the medium is the message
And this most viral meme on the planet is now the method
For defining collective reality, each night
If it's not on "The News" it didn't happen – right?
As history – our story – is played out in day-to-day events
And journalists are like historians of the present tense
At this cross-road between ruin and the stars
Can we afford to have News that is blind to who we truly are?
We’re no innocent spectators and bystanders
But accomplices and players, in all that happens
And that's The News that’s most urgently lacking
Join us for more Juice, when Rap News is back again...