[Intro: Matty Healy]
Hello
I haven't really, um, planned what to say
But I suppose this, um, bit is supposed to be a bit awkward
'Cause it's just me under a spotlight
Shouldn't feel sorry for me, I'm a nepo baby
My mum was on Coronation Street so they gave me a number-one album in America
That's the way it works
That's the way it works, baby
We're very proud to be from here
And, um
Sorry if I ever let you down or whatever

[Interlude]
Right, deep breath, firstly, are you okay?
Matty, Matty, Matty, Matty, Matty
Matty Healy, edge lord and musician extraordinaire
He's a guy, he's out there, he's the lead singer of The 1975
And, possibly, he is a secret Nazi?
God save the King (God save the King)
I, David, Lord Cameron of Chipping Norton
Do swear by Almighty God that I will be faithful and bear true allegiance to His Majesty, King Charles
At the BRITS, The 1975 win the best Rock Album
I'm thinking, it's not—, is it me being a grumpy old man
Or is this shit?
Some Palestinians in Gaza are being bombarded by rockets and missiles as Israeli Defense Forces and mass militants continue fighting
Oppenheimer, Christopher Nolan's epic about the creation of the atomic bomb
Going head-to-head with a movie that could not be more different
"Hi, Barbie!" "Hi, Ken!"
This breed, the XL Bully, is behind six of ten fatal attacks in the last year
As I declare COVID-19 over as global health emergency
Matty Healy is probably the most talked-about
And his weird and intriguing stage performances
He's definitely—
The Sycamore once crowned the best tree in England hiked to, pondered at, proposed in front of, was last night deliberately felled
Was found dead in his hot tub
The Los Angeles police department confirmed to BBC that a man in his fifties was unresponsive in a water emergency at the actor's home
British commuters face a new year, same strikes
Tens of thousands of rail workers are in—
[Outro]
I just find this all very interesting, yeah, this I even find this interesting
What I could do with this if I wanted (What do you mean?)
What I could—