[Intro]
They imbibe me with champagne
They cover me with jewels
They caress my gentle curves
But what I really want
What I really need
What I really desire

[Chorus]
I want a beard, I want a moustache
I want a long, black coat with the tails hangin' down
I want a beard, I want a moustache
I want a long, black cane with the world at its end

[Verse 1]
I don’t want a Hitler, a Stalin won't do
Better make it curl like Roosevelt made it do
It can hang on like Rasputin, as furry as Henry IIIV
It better grow quickly 'cause I just can't wait

Wearing a skirt can only be so fun
As long as there’s something underneath to shun
I pull up my dresses
Let down my locks
What’s growing down below should grow as well on top
[Chorus]
I want a beard, I want a moustache
I want a long, black coat with the tails hangin' down
I want a beard, I want a moustache
I want a long, black cane with the world at its end

[Verse 2]
Businessmen agree, monks do too
A bush on the face and the deal’s going through
So it’s not just for the dress, it's also for the money
The greatest minds of ours all dip their 'staches, honey

I’m not some sort of freak, I don't have any stubble
The circus freaks still want me but I burst their carny bubble
The elephant man despises a grand plume of hair
The tatted ladies envy but I won't despair

[Chorus]
I want a beard, I want a moustache
I want a long, black coat with the tails hangin' down
I want a beard, I want a moustache
I want a long, black cane with the world at its end

[Bridge]
Aquaman never needed any razors
The snakes lie naked in the midway lights
Fire belly dancers singed all of their crops long ago
Nothing comes close to my pompadour
Mutton chops, Napoleon III, Franz Joseph, oh-ley-ee-heee
I've got a beard (She's got a beard!)
I've got a moustache (She's got a moustache!)
I've got a long, black coat with the tails hangin' down
I've got a beard (She's got a beard!)
I’ve got a moustache (She’s got a moustache!)
I've got a long, black cane with the world on its end

I've got a beard (She's got a beard!)
I've got a moustache (She's got a moustache!)
I've got a long, black coat with the tails hangin' down
I've got a beard (She's got a beard!)
I've got a moustache (She's got a moustache!)
I've got a long, black cane with the world on its end

[Outro]
I’m riding proud on my woolly mammoth
With the eight lumberjacks
And a knife [?]
This is the only way for me to be
With a curl on my lips and my jaw in a bush, ha!