[Verse 1]
I was working in the backyard, and I was working so hard
That I had to take the shirt off of my back
And while the sun was glaring, I couldn't see him staring
But from my front porch, I heard my young son laugh
I said, "Son, what's so funny?", then he pointed at my tummy
And I realized what he was laughing at
It was all my fat

[Chorus 1]
So I went bike riding, then I started jazzercising
I ran 2.7 minutes in a pair of Spandex pants
And I breathe deeper, I'm a salad eater
And I still eat chicken, but I don't fry it
And I said my son, I hope you never have
To live life on a diet

[Verse 2]
Well, I started eating Rice Chex, I even bought a Bowflex
Even though I've only used it once or twice
I gave up Twinkies and Ding Dongs, onion rings and Footlongs
And those pints of Ben & Jerry's late at night
Then I bought a juicer, and my pants were fitting looser
And at one point, I could almost see my feet
Man, it was pretty sweet
[Chorus 2]
So I went rock climbing, then I started jazzercising
I rode 3.7 minutes on a bike I bought from Sears
And I breathe deeper, I'm a no-carb eater
And I hate wheat germ, but I still tried it
And I said my son, I hope you never have
To live life on a diet

[Bridge]
There's a birthday cake on the table
And I don't think I'm able
What will I do with it, what should I do with it
What will I do with it?
Oh, the heck with it!!

[Chorus 3]
I quit bike riding, then I quit aerobicising
I spent 4.7 hours at Rudy's BBQ
And I'm big and lazy, I eat biscuits and gravy
If I see a milkshake, I'm gonna buy it
And I said my son, I never let myself
Live life on a diet
Live life on a diet
Live life on a diet
Live life on a diet
Live life on a diet