Dick was obsessed with his dick
He would beat off at least three times a day
In the morning, when he woke up
Right after or right before dinner
Or right before he went to sleep
If he didn't get in his three daily beat-off sessions
He was a pain in the ass to be around (Pain in the ass to be around!)

He jerked off to TV
Especially I Dream of Jeannie and Dynasty and Charlie's Angels
He pulled his pud to porno books
He even jerked off to the underwear ads in the magazine section of the Sunday New York Times (Sunday New York Times!)

If you were a girl, talking to him on the phone
Chances are he was beating his meat to the sound of your voice
'Cause coming was his raison d'etre
One time he was in the middle of masturbating to Vanna White on Wheel of Fortune
And a job offer came to him over the phone
He needed the job bad
But he told the man he'd call him right back
'Cause he needed to come more than he needed the job (Ejaculation)

Ah, it wasn't that he was ugly or afraid of women or anything like that
He just honestly preferred his right hand
I saw him the other day
And he told me that last Friday he was with two girls at their place
And they both wanted him to stay over
But he went home, called up another girl
And jacked off while talking to her
I don't know why he tells me this stuff
Dick's a fucked up guy