No, I never was in Vietnam
I never once dove into an empty swimming pool
I never let the carpet walk right out from under me
I never painted a house or a tree

I never did become an exotic dancer
Or a customer service representative
I never took the pulse of a dying duck
Or gave mouth to mouth resuscitation to a horsefly

In a way I s'pose you could say
My experience is quite limited

For example, I never locked Oliver Cromwell in a broom closet
While singing Waltzing Matilda
I never sawed a television in half
Although I once saw Wendy O'Williams saw a guitar

I never played a decent game of jacks
I never played poker with a toothless one eyed pirate
Who kept picking his teeth with a bowie knife
To distract me while his parrot looked over my shoulder
And told him what cards I had
By using an elaborate code involving
Vomiting, chirping and sea shanties
I never bought a lamp
Wait I did buy a lamp once
But I never bought a lantern or a lambskin prophylactic

I never bought lima beans or lime pudding
I never bought a lion or a Lionel Richie album
I never bought anything beginning with the letter "L"
Except lollipops, lightbulbs and lettuce...and the lamp

I never laid down for a nap
And found the Everly brothers in bed with me
I never let a cyborg take out the garbage

I'm sorry I stole the radio
I did it
I sawed the legs off the periodic table
I re-elected the President

I did it, it was my fault
I farted in the church
I'm sorry I did many many bad things
And I am so sorry