GUY | We're here at the Trump International Golf Links in Scotland
FRANÇOIS | Gee! Quieter please
GUY | What?
FRANÇOIS | I said “quieter please.”
GUY | I know you did, but why did you call me “Gee?”
FRANÇOIS | Well that’s your name
GUY | It's pronounced “Guy.”
FRANÇOIS | What is?
GUY | My name. We've known each other since college. Why are you changing the pronunciation of my name now?
FRANÇOIS | Golfing is a sophisticated game. This isn’t NASCAR, Guy
GUY | Fine. Who's on the pole today?
FRANÇOIS | The pole? Oh, you mean the “leader board.” It's called the lеader
GUY | Just tell me who's up first?
FRANÇOIS | Sеriously? Baseball? You want to call this as a baseball game? Strikeout and all that?
GUY | François, just tell me who is going to hit the damn ball first

[Verse 1]
On a dark desert highway, cool wind in my hair
Warm smell of colitas, rising up through the air
Up ahead in the distance, I saw a shimmering light
My head grew heavy and my sight grew dim
I had to stop for the night

[Verse 2]
There she stood in the doorway
I heard the mission bell
And I was thinking to myself
“This could be heaven or this could be Hell”
Then she lit up a candle and she showed me the way
There were voices down the corridor
I thought I heard them say
[Chorus]
Welcome to the Hotel California
Such a lovely place (such a lovely place)
Such a lovely face
Plenty of room at the Hotel California
Any time of year (any time of year) you can find it here

[Verse 3]
Her mind is Tiffany-twisted, she got the Mercedes Benz
She got a lot of pretty, pretty boys, that she calls friends
How they dance in the courtyard, sweet summer sweat
Some dance to remember, some dance to forget

[Verse 4]
So I called up the Captain
“Please bring me my wine”
He said, “we haven't had that spirit here since nineteen sixty-nine”
And still those voices are calling from far away
Wake you up in the middle of the night
Just to hear them say

[Chorus]
Welcome to the Hotel California
Such a lovely place (such a lovely place)
Such a lovely face
They livin' it up at the Hotel California
What a nice surprise (what a nice surprise), bring your alibis
[Bridge]
Mirrors on the ceiling
The pink champagne on ice
And she said, “we are all just prisoners here, of our own device”
And in the master's chambers
They gathered for the feast
They stab it with their steely knives
But they just can't kill the beast

[Verse 5]
Last thing I remember, I was
Running for the door
I had to find the passage back to the place I was before
“Relax” said the night man
“We are programmed to receive
You can check out any time you like
But you can never leave!”

FRANÇOIS | Kathryn
GUY | Kathryn who?
FRANÇOIS | Don’t know. It just says “Kathryn. From Ireland.”
GUY | That’s it?
FRANÇOIS | There's something about her playing “right-handed.”
GUY | So, she’s a righty? That's on her biography? Nothing about her last name?
FRANÇOIS | Here's the quote: “I am not left handed.”
GUY | This is why I like NASCAR. Ricky Bobby from Texas, runs around track in underwear
FRANÇOIS | That was a movie
GUY | So Kathryn is up to bat next
FRANÇOIS | She's addressing the ball
GUY | What?
FRANÇOIS | She’s warming up. See how she's swinging
GUY | She just whiffed!
FRANÇOIS | She's warming up. Had she whiffed, she'd be penalized
GUY | How is it that she can play in Scotland and not be deported?
FRANÇOIS | Who?
GUY | Kathryn from Ireland
FRANÇOIS | I can see Ireland from my hotel's backyard
GUY | We're on the east coast of Scotland. All I can see is the ocean
FRANÇOIS | Metaphorically. I was speaking meta
GUY | And how did she get in? Isn't there a wall. A really big wall to keep people out of Scotland?
FRANÇOIS | No, I don't think they have a wall. Maybe a moat
GUY | That's a really big moat they built. We flew over it when we were connecting from Dublin
FRANÇOIS | That was the Irish Sea
GUY | Exactly
FRANÇOIS | Anyway, Kathryn just hooked her ball 300 yards into the
GUY | What is she saying?
FRANÇOIS | She's talking to her
GUY | Some type of mask or cover
FRANÇOIS | It's the cover on her 3 wood
GUY | Why is it covered?
FRANÇOIS | To keep it clean and dry
GUY | Aren't those things made out of titanium?
FRANÇOIS | She said “we are all just prisoners here, of our own device.”
GUY | We're prisoners? Is that what the wall is for?!
FRANÇOIS | Moat. They stab it with their steely knives
GUY | The people are revolting!
FRANÇOIS | You said it
GUY | Is that why she's talking into the club cover? It's actually a spy microphone!
FRANÇOIS | Actually I think it's a commedia mask
GUY | What is?
FRANÇOIS | The thing covering her wood
GUY | I don't understand a thing she's saying
FRANÇOIS | It's all French
GUY | It is to me too
FRANÇOIS | Relax
GUY | Why should I, there's a revolution here!
FRANÇOIS | No I meant: the night man said “relax.”
GUY | What night man? The guy on the field?
FRANÇOIS | That's her caddy. They're looking for her ball in the rough so
GUY | I don't see no car on the field…
FRANÇOIS | “but you can never leave.”
GUY | Like hell, I'm out of here