[MRS. STRAKOSH, spoken]
Fanny, when people pay good money in the "theayter", especially the male element, they want something to look at!

(sung)
If a girl isn't pretty
Like a Miss Atlantic City
All she gets in life
Is pity and a pat

[MRS. BRICE]
Is a nose with deviation
Such a crime against the nation?
Should I throw her into jail
Or drown the cat?

[MRS. STRAKOSH, MRS. O'MALLEY & MRS. MEEKER]
She must shine in every detail
Like a ring you're buying retail
Be a standard size that
Fits a standard dress

[MRS. STRAKOSH]
When a girl's incidentals
Are no bigger than two lentils

[MRS. STRAKOSH, MRS. O'MALLEY & MRS. MEEKER]
Then to me that doesn't spell success
[EDDIE]
If a girl isn't pretty
Like a Miss Atlantic City
She should dump the stage
And try another route
Any guy who pays a quarter
For a seat just feels he oughta
See a figure that his wife can't substitute
Kid, my heart ain't made of marble
But your rhythm's really horrible
And that map of yours just ain't no Valentine
Everything you got's about right
But the damn thing don't come out right
So forget it, kid, and just resign

[HECKIE & TWO WORKMEN]
If a girl isn't pretty

[CARDPLAYING GROUP]
If a girl isn't pretty

[KEENEY GROUP]
If a girl isn't pretty

[ALL]
If a girl isn't pretty
If a girl isn't pretty
[HECKIE & TWO WORKMEN]
She should get a job
Go get a job
Get any job

[ALL]
Get a weekly pay

[GIRLS]
'Cause if a girl isn't pretty
Like a Miss Atlantic City

[ALL]
She's a real Miss Nobody, U.S.A