[CORA, spoken]
How are you gonna separate them?

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
According to the principles of logic!

[CORA, spoken]
Logic?

[HAPGOOD]
Grass is green, sky is blue
False is false and true is true
Who is who?
You are you, I'm me!
Simple? Simple? Simple?
Simple as A-B-C
Simple as one-two-three!

[SCHUB, spoken]
But who on that line is what?

[HAPGOOD]
One is one, two is two
Who is what and which is who?
No one's always what they seem to be
[CORA, spoken]
That's certainly true

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
For example, you sir, with the manly good looks. Would you come forward please, Mr. Hapgood?

[SCHUB, spoken]
I thought you were Hapgood?

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Calling the patient by my name, he identifies with me immеdiately, we have an instant transfеrence and thereby save five years of psychoanalysis!

[CORA, spoken]
Brilliant! What happens if I call you Hoover Hooper?

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Shall we dance? Now then, Mr. Hapgood—

[GEORGE, spoken]
Call me Happy, sir. Or George

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
All right, Georgie

[GEORGE, spoken]
Thank you, George
[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Thank you. Now when we were a child, that is, when you were a child, a boy—you were a boy?

[GEORGE, spoken]
I was a manly little fellow, sir

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Then I'm sure there was a saying you learned that you have used ever since to govern your life? A motto, a watchcry!

[GEORGE, spoken]
A watchcry. Yes, sir

(sung)
"I am the master of my fate
And the captain of my soul"

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Good, Hapgood! Now then: married?

[GEORGE, spoken]
Yes, sir

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Two children?

[GEORGE, spoken]
Yes, sir
[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Two TV sets?

[GEORGE, spoken]
Yes, sir

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Two martinis?

[GEORGE, spoken]
Yes, sir

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Bank on Friday?

[GEORGE, spoken]
Yes, sir

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Golf on Saturday?

[GEORGE, spoken]
Yes, sir

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Church on Sunday?

[GEORGE, spoken]
Yes, sir

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Do you vote?

[GEORGE, spoken]
Yes, sir

(sung)
Only for the man who wins
Only for the man who wins
Only for the man who—

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
All right. Headaches?

[GEORGE, spoken]
No, sir

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Backaches?

[GEORGE, spoken]
No, sir

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Heartaches?

[GEORGE, spoken]
No, sir

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Thank you, Hapgood. Group A. Over there, please

[SCHUB, spoken]
What's Group A?

[CORA, spoken]
Obviously mad as a hatter

[SCHUB, spoken]
Magruder! Place the Cookie under arrest

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Just a moment! George—do you ever wonder whether you're real?

[GEORGE, spoken]
Oh, No, sir, I know I'm not

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Group One. Over there, please

[SCHUB, spoken]
What is this?

[CORA, spoken]
I don’t know, but it’s brilliant!

[SCHUB, spoken]
But which group is what?

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
It’s very simple

(sung)
Grass is green, sky is blue
A is one, group one is two
One is one, oh, one is A, you see

[CORA]
Grass is green, sky is blue
One is one and A is too

[SCHUB]
No. A is One and one is, too

[CORA, COOLEY, MAGRUDER & SCHUB]
No, one and one
Is always two to me! (No, one is green)
(A is blue) (No, A is green)
(One can be in) (One is blue) (No, One is one)
I don’t agree (A, you see) (A is “out” and) (A is one group)
A is you and (A is crazy) (One is “in”) (Too)
Me (Maybe) (I agree) (See?)

[JUNE]
A woman's place is in the home

[JOHN]
A woman's place is in the house

[JUNE]
And home is where you hang your hat

[JOHN]
And that is where you hang your spouse

[JUNE]
A woman's place is in the home

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Dear Mr. And Mrs. Hapgood—

[JUNE, spoken]
Oh, we're not married, Doctor. He's June and I'm John. I mean she's John and I’m June

[JOHN, spoken]
June and John are engaged!

[JUNE, spoken]
John's my secretary

[JOHN, spoken]
June used to be my secretary, but his corporation went bust

[JUNE, spoken]
And her syndicate took over

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Well, it would all be in the family if you got married!

[JOHN, spoken]
But John can't support June

[JUNE, spoken]
Every cent John makes goes to pay for June's dinners

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Why doesn't June give John a raise?

[JUNE, spoken]
He's not worth it!

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
I see. And neither of you wants John to stay home and do the housekeeping because—

[JOHN & JUNE, spoken]
Because

[JOHN, JUNE & HAPGOOD]
A woman's place is in the home
A woman's place is on the shelf
And home is where he hangs her hat
And that is where she hangs himself

[CORA AND SCHUB, spoken]
Group?

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
A

[SCHUB, spoken]
Magruder!

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
One

[JUNE & JOHN]
A woman's place is in the home
A woman’s place is in the house

[GEORGE & SNEAKING MAN, COUPLE]
I'm the master of my fate and the captain of my soul
A woman’s place is in the home

[MAN 1, WOMAN 1, MAN 2 & JUNE & JOHN]
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again
Beauty is only skin deep
You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear
A woman's place is in the house

[WOMAN 2]
Fly now, pay later, fly now, pay later

[COUPLE, WOMAN 3, WOMAN 4 & MAN 3]
A woman’s place is in the house
Never look a gift horse in the mouth
Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies
Handsome is as handsome does

[MAN 4 & WOMAN 5]
You always hurt the one you love
Seeing is believing

[SCHUB, spoken]
Stop the music! A man crossed over

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
That was a woman

[SCHUB, spoken]
Oh

[CORA, spoken]
Group One

(sung)
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

[SCHUB, spoken]
Now wait. Are they all Cookies? If you could produce someone who is sane, present company excluded, of course

[MARTIN]
You can't judge a book by its cover
No, you can't judge a book by its cover
You can't judge a book by how literate it look
No, You can't judge a book by its cubber

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Occupation?

[MARTIN, spoken]
Going to schools, riding in buses, eating in restaurants

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Isn't that line of work getting rather easy?

[MARTIN, spoken]
Not for me. I'm Jewish. Group A, would you say?

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Group one's more fun

[MARTIN, spoken]
Crazy!

[CORA, spoken]
Group A

[SCHUB, spoken]
Group one

[CORA, spoken]
It's maddening!

[SCHUB, spoken]
What's the difference between them?

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
It's obvious

(sung)
The opposite of dark is bright
The opposite of bright is dumb
So anything that's dark is dumb

[MARTIN, HAPGOOD & CHORUS & BOTH]
But they sure can hum
Hum!
The opposite of dark is bright (Hum! Hum! Hum!)
The opposite of bright is dumb (Hum! Hum! Hum!)
So anything that's dark is dumb
That's the rule of thumb!
Depends where you're from!

[HAPGOOD, HAPGOOD & CHORUS, CHORUS]
Simple? Simple? Simple?
Simple as A-B-C
Simple? Simple? Simple?
Simple as N-A-A-C-P!

[MAN, spoken]
I get the point, Comptroller Hapgood

[SCHUB, spoken]
Oh, shut up and get in Group A

[CORA, spoken]
Who's that?

[SCHUB, spoken]
My brother-in-law

[CORA, spoken]
But he's not a pilgrim, and he's not a Cookie, Hapgood, what was he doing on the line?

[SCHUB, spoken]
Oh, every fool wants a miracle. Hapgood!

[CORA, spoken]
Who is on that line?

[SCHUB, spoken]
Doctor, you are not doing what we want you to!

[CORA, spoken]
You’re right. Look here, Hapgood, darling

(sung)
Grass is green, sky is blue
I'll join any group with you
Schub's a boob and you belong to me!

[ENSEMBLE]
Simple? Simple?

[CORA]
Simple as one-two-three
One-two-three

[CORA & PILGRIMS & (SCHUB, spoken)]
One-two-three
One-two-three
One-two-three
One-two-three
One-two-three
One-two-three
One-two-three
One-two-three
One-two-three
One-two-three
One-two-three
One-two-three
One-two-three
One-two-three
One-two-three
One-two-three
One-two-three
One-two-three
One-two-three
One-two-three
One-two-three
One-two-three
One-two-three
One-two-three
One-two-three
One-two-three
One-two-three
One-two-three
One-two-three
One-two-three (Get back!)
One-two-three
One-two-three
One-two-three (Your honor!)
One-two-three
One-two-three (Cora!)

[SCHUB, spoken]
He’s taking over! They turn into him. Stop it!

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Watchcry!

[GROUP A]
I am the master of my fate and the captain of—
(A woman's place is in the home. A woman’s place—)
(Beauty is only skin deep—)
(Ask me no questions, I’ll tell you no—)
(Never look a gift horse in the—)
(Seeing is believing! Seeing is believing! Seeing is believing!)
(An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of—)
(An apple a day, an apple a day, an apple a day keeps the doctor a—)

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Rub your stomachs! Good, good
Watchcry!

[GROUP ONE]
I am the master of my fate and the captain of—
(A woman's place is in the home. A woman’s place—)
(If at first you don’t succeed, try, try a—)
(Handsome is as handsome does, handsome is as—)
(You can’t make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear, you can’t make—)
(Fly now, pay later, fly now—)
(Never change horses in mid—)
(Never let your right hand know what your left hand is do—)
(If wishes were horses, then beggars would ride; if wishes were horses—)

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Pat your heads, Hello! Hello! Good
Hello! Hello! Reverse! Good
Hello! Hello! That's good, good, good, Comptroller

[SCHUB, spoken]
Dammit!

[CORA, spoken]
I adore games!

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Watchcry!

[CORA, spoken]
Hello!

[SCHUB, spoken]
He's boring from within

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Watchcry!

[SCHUB, spoken]
Communist!

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
You would say that

(sung)
The opposite of left is right
The opposite of right is wrong
So anyone who's left is wrong, right?

[GROUP ONE, spoken]
Good, good

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Hello!

[GROUP A, spoken]
Hello!

[HAPGOOD]
Simple? Simple? Simple?
Simple as A-B-C
Simple as one-two-

[HAPGOOD & Chorus]
Three cheers for the red, white and blue

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Watchcry!

[MAGRUDER, spoken]
Look here, I'm the chief of—

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Watchcry!

[MAGRUDER]
Ours not to reason why
Ours but to do or die
Sergeant Magruder reporting, sir!

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Occupation?

[MAGRUDER, spoken]
Fighting the enemy

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
What enemy?

[MAGRUDER, spoken]
What year?

[HAPGOOD]
Yesterday

[MAGRUDER, spoken]
The Germans: Heil!

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
The day before

[MAGRUDER, spoken]
The Germans: Heil!

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Today

[MAGRUDER, spoken]
The Germans: Hail!

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Tomorrow

[MAGRUDER, spoken]
Hail! Heil! Hail? Heil? Hail?

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Group A

[MAGRUDER, spoken]
Heil?

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Group One

[MAGRUDER, spoken]
Hail? Heil? Hail? Heil?

[COOLEY, spoken]
You're just making him seem crazy, but he's twisted
I mean, he's being twisted

[HAPGOOD]
Grass is blue, sky is green
Change of time is change of scene
What you meant is what you mean

(spoken)
Watchcry!

[COOLEY]
Hallelujah!

(spoken)
Now listen, brother

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Occupation?

[COOLEY, spoken]
Preacher, er, Treasurer

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Ah, you were a preacher, Hapgood

[COOLEY, spoken]
I'm a treasurer, Cooley, I mean—

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
They threw you out of your pulpit

[COOLEY, spoken]
Brother—

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Because you were crazy

[COOLEY, spoken]
Because I believed!

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
In being treasurer?

[COOLEY, spoken]
In God, and they only believe in religion

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
And that made you crazy, Hapgood

[COOLEY, spoken]
I am not crazy, Cooley!

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
No, you're crazy, Hapgood

[COOLEY, spoken]
I am not Cooley, I-I mean, I’m not crazy, I'm Hapgood!

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Are you sure?

[COOLEY, spoken]
I am completely Schub!

[SCHUB, spoken]
He's crazy

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Thank you. Group A. Watchcry!
Watchcry! Watchcry!

[GROUP ONE & GROUP A]
I am the master of my fate and the captain of—
(A woman's place is in the home. A woman’s place—)
(Beauty is only skin deep—)
(Never look a gift horse in the—)
(Ask me no questions, I’ll tell you no—)
(An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of—)
(Seeing is believing! Seeing is believing! Seeing is believing!)
(You can fool some of the people some of—)
(An apple a day, an apple a day, an apple a day keeps the doctor a—)
(Ours not to reason why, ours but to do or die. Ours not to reason why—)
(I am the master of my fate—)
(A woman's place is in the home—)
(Handsome is as handsome does—)
(If at first you don’t succeed—)
(You can’t make a silk purse out of a sow’s—)
(Never change horses in—)
(Fly now, pay later—)
(Never let your right hand know what your left hand—)
(If wishes were horses, then beggars would ride—)
(Hallelujah! Hallelu—)

[SCHUB, spoken]
I don't have one, Cooley!

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Ah, ha!

[SCHUB, spoken]
Hapgood, we are going to end all this right here and now. My dear Treasurer, I mean, Doctor, dammit! Right now: which group is—

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Two questions

[SCHUB, spoken]
One answer

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Just two little questions, Schub, and you'll know which group is what
Where does most of your money go?

[SCHUB, spoken]
I hardly think—

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Where does most of your money go, Hapgood?

[SCHUB, spoken]
In taxes

[HAPGOOD]
Good. What do you think of someone who makes a product and doesn't use it?

[SCHUB, spoken]
He's crazy

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Hello! Hello!
Most of your money goes to the government in taxes
What does the government do with most of the money?
Makes bombs
Reverse!
Good. Hello! Hello!
But you say to make a product and not to use it is crazy
Isn't that what you said, Comptroller Cooley?
And, doesn't that make you crazy for letting them waste your money, Treasurer Schub?
Reverse!
But perhaps the government is making bombs because it means to use the product
Which means everyone will be killed, Hapgood. Including you, Schub!
Both together now! Which means, you are paying most of your money to have yourself killed
Which means, my dear Doctor, Comptroller, Mayor Schub, you are the maddest of all!
Watchcry!

[SCHUB, spoken]
Help!

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Watchcry!

[CORA, spoken]
Brilliant!

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Watchcry!

[GROUP A MEN, GROUP ONE WOMEN & GROUP A WOMEN & GROUP ONE MEN]
Grass is green, sky is blue
The opposite of left is right (Grass is green)
The opposite of right is wrong (Sky is blue)
Simple? Simple? Simple? (The opposite of left is right) (Grass is green)
Simple as A-B-three (The opposite of right is wrong) (Sky is blue)
Simple as one-two-C (Simple? Simple? Simple?) (The opposite of left is right)
As grass is green (Simple as A-B-three) (The opposite of right is wrong)
As sky is blue (As one-two-C) (Simple? Simple? Simple? Simple as A-B-)

[GROUP A & GROUP ONE, spoken]
As simple as the opposite of left is right! (as (three) the opposite of right)
Is wrong!
Is right!
Is wrong!
Is right!
Is wrong!
Is A!
Is one!
Is A!
Is one!
Hello!
Hello!
Hello!
Hello!
Good!
Good!
Good! (One is A!)
Good! (A is one!)
One is A!
A is

[GROUP A & GROUP ONE, spoken]
One is A is grass is who is opposite of what is green is
Safe is opposite of dark is opposite of simple which is

[GROUP A, spoken]
Watchcry!

[GROUP ONE, spoken]
Watchcry!

[GROUP A & GROUP ONE, spoken]
Watchcry! Watchcry!

[GROUP A, spoken]
One is one! Two is two! Who is what and which is who?

[GROUP A WOMEN, GROUP ONE WOMEN, GROUP A MEN & GROUP ONE MEN, spoken]
Who is what? (Who is what?)
Which is who? (Who is what?)
Who is what? (Which is who?) (Who is what?)
Which is who? (Which is who?)
Which is who? (Which is who?) (Which)
Which is who? (Which is who)
Which is who? (Which is who?) (Is)
Which is who? (Which is)

[GROUP A & GROUP ONE, spoken]
Who is who?

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
You are all mad