Bowie (Tentatively, to Momus's face): Presbyterian would-be, with yellowy teeth...

Momus: Sorry?

Bowie: (Turning to piano):

Presbyterian would-be
Who wants to be me
Already a has-been
WIth an eye that can't see

You're remarkably ugly
You should never leave home
And your songs are as twee
As my own "Laughing Gnome"

Bowie (Speaking): No, wait, no "Laughing Gnome" references...

(Singing again)

Remarkably ugly
Inelegant man
As twee as a Belle
And Sebastian fan

Don't give up the dayjob
Your column in Wired...
Linda: The twat'll say he's resigned the day he gets fired!

Bowie: I like that, Linda! Very good!

Momus: Yes, very good Linda, I like that too!

Bowie (Singing):

You're just a big copycat
Playing my game
But nobody likes you
You'll never have fame

And it cuts like a knife
How it's all gone so wrong
Take revenge for your life
In Presbyterian songs

Crowd: And we all sing along...

You've made a new album?
We don't give a fuck!
Want to be a contender?
You're bang out of luck!

Bowie: Perverted old wannabe
Losing the plot
Look in the mirror
I am who you're not
When I look in the mirror
At least I see me
Not a thin scruffy Scotsman
With yellowy teeth

See his yellow teeth!
(Teeth teeth, teeth teeth)
See his yellow teeth!

(Repeat to fade)