[Intro]
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

[Verse 1]
Now, if I were a politician
I'd want you on my ticket
If I were a hunter
I'd want you in my thicket
And if I were a brain surgeon
You'd be inside my knife
If I were a gambling man
You'd be inside my dice

[Chorus]
I'm as selfish as a schoolboy
Enamored with his prick
Now my life is like a handgun
And the hammer just went click

[Verse 2]
Now, if I were a writer
I'd want you in my pen
If I were a junkie
I'd want you in my syringe
And if I sold magic potions
You'd be inside my vial
If I were on death row
You'd be inside my file
[Chorus]
I'm as selfish as a schoolboy
Enamored with his prick
Now my life is like a handgun
And the hammer just went click

[Verse 3]
Now, if I were a seamstress
I'd want you in my Singer
If I were a safecracker, darling
I'd want you in my fingers
If I robbed a 711
You would be my faulty alarm
If I were a fornicator
You'd be inside my condom

[Chorus]
I'm as selfish as a schoolboy
Enam-nam-nam-nam-nam-namored with his prick
Now my life is like a handgun
And the hammer just went click

[Verse 4]
I believe I see this lie
Coursing through this world of yours and mine
I've been breathing it in like atmosphere
I've been drinking it down like wine
It says "All you need is love"
And "You can be the judge of it"
Tastes okay for a little while
But then I wake up choking on my vomit
Something help me see
Just how worthless
Something help me excavate
Deep below the surface
Something help me drown, Lord
In your river of blood and grace
I know that I'm leprous
But hold me anyway
[Chorus]
I'm as selfish as a schoolboy
Enamored with his prick
Now my life becomes a handgun
Life becomes a handgun
Life is like a handgun
And the hammer just went click

[Outro]
Handgun, whoo!