At the early age of three
It first occurred to me
A girl should always try to improve herself
While the others played with toys
I practiced charm and poise
And finished Dr Eliot's Five Foot shelf

I exercised each morning
Cold-creamed my face each night
Saw my dentist twice a year
Curbed my appetite

And so I modestly admit
It didn't help one single bit

Some girls can make any man dream
By flashing an innocent gleam
Me I do an ip-up
Curl my upper lip up
Light a roman candle and scream
I have to do it the hard way

Some girls can wear any old rags
And capture the wolves and the stags
Me I dress in sables
Walk across the tables
Waving three American flags
I have to do it the hard way
Let's say there's a dance
They're playing a waltz
And I want romance
That's when I begin turning somersaults

Some girls can keep men on their toes
By smiling and throwin' a rose
Me I wrack my noodle
Whistle "Yankee Doodle"
Balancing a broom on my nose
Oh I'm a-telling ya why
I have to do it the hard way

[Instrumental Break]

I have to do it the hard way
Suppose there's a park
A boy on a bench
I'm out for a lark
So I make him fall with a monkey wrench

When someone like Hedy Lamarr
Steps into the swankiest bar
All the fellas get up
Light her cigarette up
Me I'd have to smoke a cigar
And then they call me a car
Doctor is there a chance for me?
Can't you cure this insanity?
I'm tired of tearing up the town being one of the sights
Wearing funny hats trimmed in neon lights
Why must I always be bettered and scorned
Doin' everything the hard way?