[Verse 1]
When I get to heaven, I'm gonna shake God's hand
Thank Him for more blessings than one man can stand
Then I'm gonna get a guitar and start a rock and roll band
Check into a swell hotel; ain't the afterlife grand?

[Chorus]
And then I'm gonna get a cocktail, vodka and ginger ale
Yeah, I'm gonna smoke a cigarette that's nine miles long
I'm gonna kiss that pretty girl on the Tilt-a-whirl
'Cause this old man is goin' to town

[Verse 2]
Then as God as my witness, I'm gettin' back into show business
I'm gonna open up a nightclub called The Tree of Forgiveness
And forgive everybody ever done me any harm
Why, I might even invite a few choice critics, those syphilitic parasitics
Buy 'em a pint of Smithwick's and smother 'em with my charm

[Chorus]
'Cause then I'm gonna get a cocktail, vodka and ginger ale
Yeah I'm gonna smoke a cigarette that's nine miles long
I'm gonna kiss that pretty girl on the Tilt-a-whirl
Yeah this old man is goin' to town

[Verse 3]
When I get to heaven, I'm gonna take that wristwatch off my arm
What are you gonna do with time after you've bought the farm?
And then I'm gonna go find my mom and dad and good old brother Doug
Why, I bet him and cousin Jackie are still cuttin' up a rug
I wanna see all my mama's sisters 'cause that's where all the love starts
I miss them all like crazy, bless their little hearts
And I always will remember these words my daddy said
He said, "Buddy, when you're dead, you're a dead peckerhead"
I hope to prove him wrong, that is, when I get to heaven
[Chorus]
'Cause I'm gonna have a cocktail, vodka and ginger ale
Yeah I'm gonna smoke a cigarette that's nine miles long
I'm gonna kiss that pretty girl on the Tilt-a-whirl
Yeah this old man is goin' to town
Yeah this old man is goin' to town