I linger and gawp
When the council dig a big hole
And I cheer for a corner
I don’t know why, they rarely lead to a goal

The greatest surface underfoot is springy turf
Why does the winner of Mr Universe
Always come from Earth?
I feel I should be more upset
Since you went to live in Delph
I should be writing songs about you
But I’m too wrapped up in myself

At DFS a job I have landed
But I don’t get paid for the first five years
TNS in The Blob mob-handed
According to what one hears

Outlandish rumour is my sport
Oyez, oyez
I’ve just seen Vengloš in Rock Ferry buying energy drinks
He’s deffo taking over

God knows I’ve tried to put you into verse
But unfortunately
When it comes to things such as this
It’s all me, me, me
You’re so beige
I bet you think this song’s about someone else
Standard Liège
See how it all unfolds when I try to include you?
I’ll fit you in some day, somehow
A thousand words but not right now
I’ve got a few lines on Gerry Gow
I had three in one packet in ’78
I went back to the shop in a manner irate
Newsagent said: “Have you got a two pence piece?”
I said: “Yes”
He said: “Go and ring someone who cares”

As told to a boil on the cab driver’s neck
As told to a boil on the cab driver’s neck again