He wants a shoehorn, the kind with teeth
People should get beat up for statin' their beliefs
He wants a shoehorn, the kind with teeth
'Cause he knows there's no such thing

He asks a girl if they can both sit in a chair
But he doesn't get nervous (Why?) she's not really there

He wants a shoehorn, the kind with teeth
'Cause he knows there's no such thing

Tour the world in a heavy metal band
But they run out of petrol, the plane can never land

He wants a shoehorn the kind with teeth (Yeah)
People should get beat up for stealin' maple leaves
He wants a shoehorn, the kind with teeth
'Cause he knows there's no such thing

What's the sense in ever thinking 'bout the tomb
When you're much too busy returning to the womb?

He wants a shoehorn, the kind with teeth
People should get beat up for skatin' like the Leafs
He wants a shoehorn, the kind with teeth
'Cause he knows there's no such thing