[Ringo Starr]
Hello, this is a big hi and a sincere Merry Christmas from yours truly, Ringo Starr!

[Slightly sped-up sample of “Ob-La-Di Ob-La-Da” intro with piano plunking over it]

[Paul McCartney Singing]
Happy New Year, happy Christmas
Happy Easter, happy autumn
Happy Michelmas, everybody
Happy Christmas, everybody to you

I'd like to wish everybody happy Christmas
This year of 1968 going on 69
Happy Christmas, happy New Year
All the best to you from here

[Opera sample]

I'd like to wish everybody
Happy Christmas, happy New Year
From there to here
Happy New Year, happy New Year
Happy New Year, happy New Year

[Clapping]
[Sped-up marching band sample with kids cheering]
[Sped-up sample of Helter Skelter]
When I get to the bottom
I go back to the top of the slide
Where I stop, and I turn, and I go for a ride
Till I get to the bottom and I see you again

[Over “Believe Me, If All Those Endearing Young Charms” played on piano]
(J): Once upon a time, there were two balloons called Jock and Yono
They were strictly in love, bound to happen in a million years
They were together, man
Unfortunatimetable, they seemed to have previous experience which
Kept calling them one way or another, you know how it is
But they battled on against overwhelming oddities
Including some of their beast friends
Being in love they cloong together even more, man
But some of the poisoness monsters of outrated buslodedapethrowers did Stick slightly
And they occasionally had to resort to the dry cleaners
Luckily, this did not kill them and they weren't banned from the Olympic Games
They lived hopefully ever after and who could blame them

[Baroque Hoedown by Jean-Jacques Perrey and Gershon Kingsley sample]

[George Harrison]
Well, here we are again, another fab Christmas
Christmas time is here again, ain't been around since last year
And we'd like to take this opportunity
All the way from America, to say happy Christmas to you
Our faithful beloved fans all over the world who have made
Our life worth living, and over here I have
Mr. Malcolm Evans who's through thick and thin
Who would surely like to say a word of greeting
At this festive occasion
[Mal Evans]
Merry Christmas, children everywhere!

[Over a sped-up orchestra recording of “Deck the Halls”, and sample of crowd cheering]

[Unknown Person]
At the first stroke, it will be-

[Ringo Starr, George Harrison]
Ringo Starr, thank you!
Good evening
Hello me dear. I didn't know you were coming
I'm not surprised
“Well, I am, certainly am!”
I would have thought so myself
Well, if you ask me, I think it's insane
Occasionally
Yes, me, too, twice a week sometimes
Fourteen and six
Nineteen and five to save me if you don't mind
Yes, I know
Don't you say yes to me! I'm telling you!
This is a private line, you know
Private line? I've been on this line for two years!

[Ringo Starr]
Well, it's my proud pleasure tonight to introduce one of
The most versatile performers in our career. And he's
Come all the way from Stokely Carmichel's -on-Sea
And I hope you're going to like him. Let's give him a
Big hand
[Paul McCartney (Double-Tracked Singing)]
Happy New Year, happy Christmas
Happy Easter, happy autumn
Happy Michelmas, everybody
Happy Christmas, everybody to you

[Over distorted piano samples]

[John Lennon]
Once upon a pool table there lived a short-haired
Butcher's boy, by the way of Ostergrad. It comes in
Sentences poolararrowic Airport. Her father was in a
Long story cut short in the middle of his life sentence
We're indebted to the Colloquial office for its immediate
Disposal of her Horowitz, including, I might add, hoc virtallo a totem
On the other handbag, I mean to say
L'amoure ne soome tu joure realistic, strictly speaking
For this film is about an hourglass houseboat. The full
Meaning of Winchester Cathedral defies description. Their
Loss was our Gainsborough nil

[John Lennon (Double Tracked)]
The sound of a manservantile defectively lasting barred
Up in a love-dizzy gar-di-dell time. How close can you
Gettysburg and ever underly council ya originally a
Birdbath feeling-

[George Harrison]
Cut!
We have a special guest here this evening, Mr Tiny Tim
I'd like to ask him to say a few words

[Tiny Tim]
Oh, hello to you nice Beatles. Ah, it's so wonderful
What a thrill it is talking here. Ah, in Mr. Harrison's
Presence, Mr. Weiss' presence, and all his nice wonderful
Friends. And the thing is, I just wanna say Merry
Christmas to you all. And ah, a Happy New Year

[George Harrison]
Thank you, Tiny. Would you like to sing us a little song?

[Tiny Tim]
Ah, I'd love to
Here's a song I did in 1966 in front of
Miss Jill for the first time. And I did this in Albert
Hall, and what a thrill it was, ah, to do this then, and
Now, exactly the way I did it then

[Tiny Tim Singing]
He's a, ooh, real nowhere man
Living in his nowhere land
Making all his nowhere plans for nobody

Hasn't got a point of view
Knows not where he's going to
Isn't he a bit like you and me?

Nowhere man, don't worry
Take your time, don't hurry
Nowhere man, the world's at your command, ooh

He's a, huh, huh, real nowhere man
Living in his nowhere land
Making all his nowhere plans for nobody, ooh, ooh

[George Harrison]
Thank you, Tiny. Thank you and God bless you, Tiny

[Tiny Tim]
God bless you all, oh, God bless you all