[Verse 1]
Well, I guess it was back in '63
When eatin' my cookin' got the better of me
So I asked this little girl I was goin' with to be my wife
Well, she said she would, so I said, "I do"
But I'da said "I wouldn't" if I'da just knew
How sayin' "I do" was gonna screw up all of my life
Well, the first few years weren't all that bad
I'll never forget the good times we had
'Cause I'm reminded every month
When I send her the child support
Well, it wasn't too long 'til the lust all died
And I'll admit, I wasn't too surprised
The day I come home and found my suitcase sittin' out on the porch
Well, I tried to get in, she changed the lock
Then I found this note taped on the mailbox that said
"Goodbye, turkey, my attorney will be in touch," mhm
So I decided right then and there
I was gonna do what's right, give 'er her fair share
But brother, I didn't know her share was gonna be that much

[Chorus]
She got the goldmine (She got the goldmine)
I got the shaft (I got the shaft)
They split it right down the middle
And then they give her the better half
Well, it all sounds sorta funny
But it hurts too much to laugh
She got the goldmine, I got the shaft
[Verse 2]
Now listen, you ain't heard nothin' yet
Why, they give her the color television set
Then they give her the house
The kids and both of the cars
See?
Well, then they start talkin' about child support
Alimony, and the costs to the court
Didn't take me long to figure out how far in the toilet I was
I'm tellin' ya, they have made a mistake
'Cause it adds up to more than this cowboy makes
Besides, everything I ever had worth takin' they've already took
While she's livin' like a queen on alimony
I'm workin' two shifts, eatin' baloney
Askin' myself, "Why didn't you just learn how to cook?"

[Chorus]
They give her the goldmine (She got the goldmine)
They give me the shaft (I got the shaft)
They said they're splittin' it all down the middle
But she got the better half
Well, it all sounds mighty funny
But it hurts too much to laugh
She got the goldmine, I got the shaft

[Instrumental Interlude]
[Chorus]
Well, she got the goldmine (She got the goldmine)
I got the shaft (I got the shaft)
They split it all down the middle
And then they give her the better half
Well, I guess it all sounds funny (Ooh-ooh-ooh, ha-ha-ha)
But it hurts too much to laugh
She got the goldmine, I got the shaft

[Outro]
Heh, heh, they ain't kidding, I got the shaft (Ooh)
But I don't have to worry about totin' a billfold anymore (Ooh)
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha
I let my wife tote it, I'm gonna be carryin' food stamps (Ooh)
You get it judge?
I'm gonna be indebted (Ooh)
That's not funny, huh?
Huh?
Contempt of court? (Ooh)
What do you mean I'm–
Listen judge, I'm just kiddin' (Ooh)
I mean, you can't get blood out of a turnip, can ya? (Ha-ha-ha)