[Verse 1:]
You wake up in the morning drink a beer and take a Valium
And you're trying to forget about the things you did last night
Flip through the morning paper read the horoscope and the comics
You're as well informed as anybody on the left or the right
You make it to your job and hear Atlanta lost another
How can you lose while making half a million bucks or near
The old man who sweeps the floor
And wears a big blue Reagan button
Says the Russians are a coming but they've been here for years

[Chorus:]
Tryin' everything from Jesus to Jack Daniels
It's the all new American diet
Tryin' everything from Jesus to Jack Daniels
You get on it and you're on it for the rest of your life

[Verse 2:]
There's a story in the paper about a man who killed his family
He jumped off a bridge because he couldn't take it anymore
Down at the local tavern a young man comes in limpin'
And he claims that he's a veteran of the Falkland Islands war
You head home and you're accosted by a youngster wearin' robes
And wanting money for his God who sits upon a plastic throne
You ignore him if you can and make it to the local tavern
Where you order up a drink and give some money to your own
[Chorus]

[Verse 3:]
There's a man in Tennessee who's got it figured out completely
I guess that he's as happy as a thinking man can be
I asked him what he thought and he said brother let me tell you
Try a little bit of both and leave out everything in between

[Chorus]