[Intro: Violent J & Jamie Madrox]
*Laughs* "Oh, shit. He's here. Hi."
"Uh, how ya doin', uh, this the right place for that furniture? Uh."
"Yeah, it sure is. Come on in."
"Pretty nice place here you got, um, the cobwebs are a nice touch. Uh, so that's the couch, ay?"
"Yeah, we got some, um, take a look at that upholstery right there."
"It's pretty fuckin' nice."
"That's real-" *noise*
"Oh, you doing alright there?"
"Excuse me. Real upholstery"
"I ain't seen nothin' like that since, uh, shit, back in the-"
*Hit* "Motherfucker! You want my couch? You motherfucker! I need your motherfuckin' brain! You can't have my couch! The fuck you thinkin'? Now come here you big, fat motherfucker! Get on the table!"

[Verse 1: Violent J]
I was never popular, this I'll admit, fuck school
School never liked me, cool!
All the kids would always beat me until I'm half-dead
Make fun of the size of my forehead
But that shit never bothered me
Mama and Mother, they owned a lot of property (Yeah)
They had a science lab in the basement
And that's where my free ti- well, all my time was spent
I made a mouse with a chicken head
It clucked three times, cluck, cluck, cluck, and then it was dead
I made a lot of things though, like a frog with a turkey neck
Gobblegobblegobble, it was the shit (Yeah)
But I'm still lonely, I need a homie
So I collected limbs and made me a zombie
I could've made a girlie friend, but fuck that
I got my girlie right here *Masturbation noises* yeah
[Chorus]
[(Under the direction of-)] You can call me Mad Professor
[(Strange as it may seem)] I will make a friend for me
[(Under the direction of-)] You can call me Mad Professor
[(Strange as it may seem)] We will rule eternity

[Skit: Violent J & Jamie Madrox]
"So this is, like, where you live?"
"That's right. Why? You don't like it?"
"I mean, oh my God. It's dirty. Do you like-"
*Hit* *Laughs* "Shut up, bitch! Gimme your tippy toes."

[Verse 2: Violent J]
I used so many body parts it was crazy
I killed a whole bunch of motherfuckers, like (What?) eighty
They all chipped in on my special friend
Everything helps, Even if you got a finger to lend, come on
I hear the other children playing outside
"Keep it down, you little bitches, I'll skin your fuckin' hides!"
Stressful, (Uh) this part's wack (What?)
Some how I gotta attach this nut sack
Shit! Fuck! I'm sawin' off an elbow
Looking at the meter on my Quasar Ziptalo (What?)
Or better yet look out the fucking window
I see a storm's comin', almost time to roll
Screw the head on, come on, come on
It's the thuggish, ruggish, bone
Okay it's time, hit the switch, turn it up a hert
Fuck! (Shit!) Didn't work
[Chorus]
[(Under the direction of-)] You can call me Mad Professor
[(Strange as it may seem)] I will make a friend for me
[(Under the direction of-)] You can call me Mad Professor
[(Strange as it may seem)] We will rule eternity

[Post-Chorus]
"I am your creature, with which [?] the horror [?]. Is it me, or is it the man that made me, [?] evil [?] time. [?] the awful thing that lies waiting to kill you."

[Skit: Violent J & Jamie Madrox]
"Hey"
"Hey, you called for a wrecker?"
"Sure did. Come on in."
"Uh, I got the truck waited outside. I'ma go ahead and-"
*Hit* "Ow, motherfucker! You- what'd you hit me with, a fryin' pan or somethin'? The fuck, bro?"
*Hit* "You crazy motherfucker. Ow, that still hurts."
*Hit* "Come here!"
"Man, I'ma fuck you up, oh"
"Get back here!"
"Hey! He's trying to kill me! Uh!"
*Hit* "[?]"

[Verse 3: Violent J & Shaggy 2 Dope]
It wasn't always easy, (Hell no) let me tell ya
But fuck that, c'ause I ain't no failure
I put the shit with the veins and the stuff with that
Wait a minute *fart* did you hear that? (Yeah!)
It's alive! (Woo hoo) I just gotta wake it up
Hand me that Rock 'n Rye! (Come on) Pour it in the cup
Give it to his ass, wait, hold up, pause
I ain't cleaning his drawers, man, fuck that
Get him fat, get him ready, it's almost time
Paint his ugly face up almost like mine
I see him twitching, I'm on a roll
He can help me tell the whole world about the carnival
Turn the hertz all the way up for this shit
And just wait for that lightning bolt to hit (Come on, come on)
Did it work? You make the call
Shaggy? What up, y'all?
[Chorus]
[(Under the direction of-)]
You can call me Mad Professor (Yeah! I'm in this bitch!)
[(Strange as it may seem)]
I will make a friend for me (Ha ha ha ha!)
[(Under the direction of-)]
You can call me Mad Professor (What? I live!)
[(Strange as it may seem)] (I'm alive!)
We will rule eternity (I'm alive!)

[Outro]
You can call me Mad Professor
I will make a friend for me
You can call me Mad Professor
We will rule eternity
[(Under the direction of-)] You can call me Mad Professor
[(Strange as it may seem)] I will make a friend for me
[(Under the direction of-)] You can call me Mad Professor
[(Strange as it may seem)] We will rule eternity
We will rule eternity
We will rule eternity
We will rule eternity
We will rule eternity