I woke up the first morning and I felt very bad
I wondered if it might have been something that I'd had
So I went to my doctor, a very learned man
Knowing that he'd have the problem well in hand

He said, 'Fellow my poor fellow, you don't look very up'
'Could you please give me a cough and pee into this cup?'
He pondered for a minute then he said, 'you've got the flu'
'Here take these pills who knows what they may do'
He gave me...

Chorus:
Tylenol and Clearasil and butanol and tennis balls
And water from Niagara Falls and hormones from Japan
And vitamins and paraffins and some beta carotines
And bits of tuna and dolphin that he got from a can

I woke the second morning and felt worse than the first
My head was full of mucous. I swore that it would burst
My skin was cold and clammy and my hands were large and green
So went back to my doctor his knowledge for to glean

He said, 'Fellow, my poor fellow, what have you done wrong?'
'If you followed my instructions, your illness would be gone'
I told him but I took everything you gave
So he gave me some more and told me to 'go away'
He gave me

Chorus

I woke the third morning and found out I was dead
There was six feet of dirt right above my head
My friends were at the funeral saying to me
Then I heard that doctor giving the eulogy

He said, 'Fellow that poor fellow, oh, I should have known'
'That he would take too many pills when left all alone'
So here I lie forever cursing my sorry lot
For I'm so full of chemicals that I shall never rot
'Cause I took...
Chorus x2

... and I won't do that again...