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Christopher Fitzgerald
“Like a Million Drunks...”

[BUD, spoken]
I... I can’t believe we’re almost to the end of the show

[DOUG, spoken]
I know!
I feel like my face is gonna fall off!
I mean... think about it, Bud...
The next time we see this show...
We’ll probably be sitting where they are
In the audience!

[BUD, spoken]
Yeah, and... and it’ll be like real dirt streets and...
And real animals and...
And instead of, like, two drunks, there’ll be...
Like a hundred drunks!

[DOUG, spoken]
Like a thousand drunks!

[BUD, spoken]
Like a million!
Like a million drunks

[DOUG, spoken]
What... um...
What was I supposed to talk about here?
[BUD, spoken]
Uh... suicide

[DOUG, spoken]
Suicide, yes

Now, did you notice how in that song
Helvetica kept singing about wanting to kill herself?

[BUD, spoken]
Suicide is never the answer

[DOUG, spoken]
It’s a permanent solution
To a temporary problem...

[BUD, spoken]
Unless you have a terminal illness

[DOUG, spoken]
Then it’s okay
Then you should do it