[BUD, spoken]
Prologue

The lights rise on the squalid, stinky bedroom of a friend of Gutenberg

[DOUG, spoken]
The roof is made of dirty thatch!
In the corner, there are rats, gnawing in stinky cheese
And lying absolutely still in the center of the room...
Without moving...
Is a dead baby!

[BUD, spoken]
Gutenberg’s friend and the doctor examine the dead baby

[DOUG (as Doctor), spoken]
Well, we did all we could
I’m afraid your baby... is dead

[BUD (as Gutenberg’s Friend), spoken]
But I gave him this medicine!

[DOUG (as Doctor), spoken]
Them ain’t medicine
Them’s jelly beans
[BUD (as Gutenberg’s Friend), spoken]
Jelly beans?!
But...

[DOUG (as Doctor), spoken]
If only you could read...
See ya

[BUD (as Gutenberg’s Friend)]
Jelly beans, not medicine
If only I could read;
My son, he wouldn’t need... an elegy
Stupid beans! Not medicine!
Oh god, here in this jar...
I can’t read what these are
Damned jelly beans!

[DOUG (as Johan Gutenberg), spoken]
Hello friend
Is there anything Johan Gutenberg can do?

[BUD (as Gutenberg’s Friend), spoken]
Shut up!

[DOUG, spoken]
Friend of Gutenberg sobs like a woman
He cradles his dead baby in his illiterate arms
Blackout!

Act I, Scene 1
Schlimmer, Germany
A German town, full of German things
Like feet and short pants
Gutenberg walks down the dark streets of this medieval burg
And encounters a woman and her daughter on their way to market
They’re carryin’ kraut
Sauerkraut!

[BUD (as Woman #1), spoken]
Oh good morning, Mr. Gutenberg!

[DOUG (as Gutenberg), spoken]
Call me Johan! Johan Gutenberg!

[BUD (as Daughter), spoken]
Hello Mr. Butengerg!

[DOUG (as Gutenberg), spoken]
It’s Gutenberg!
How are you today, little girl?!

[BUD (as Daughter), spoken]
As happy as I can be... considering I can’t read
[DOUG, spoken]
Another woman throws open her shutters to greet the morning
She dumps her stinky chamber pot
And suddenly, the town of Schlimmer is alive
Not alive like a monster
But alive like a town!

[BUD (as Woman #1)]
It’s nice to live in Medieval Germany
In the beautiful town of Schlimmer!
We all get along in perfect harmony!

[DOUG (as Beef Fat Trimmer)]
I’m a beef fat trimmer!

[BUD (as Woman #1)]
Hey!

[DOUG (as Beef Fat Trimmer)]
The beef comes in all white with fat
It leaves a good bit slimmer

[BOTH (as Drunk #1 and Drunk #2)]
We’re just drunks comin’ home from the bar
In the beautiful town of Schlimmer!

[DOUG (as Drunk #1), spoken]
Hey, Gutenberg, ya got any wine?!

[BUD (as Drunk #2), spoken]
Yeah! You’re the wine presser! Tell us where the wine is!

[DOUG (as Drunk #1), spoken]
Is it over ‘ere?

[BUD (as Drunk #2), spoken]
It’s not over ‘ere!

[DOUG (as Johan Gutenberg), spoken]
Hey, hey fellas! My wine isn’t the answer to all your problems!

[BUD (as Drunk #2), spoken]
Oh yes it is!

[DOUG (as Drunk #1), spoken]
It’s not like we can read!

[BUD (as Drunk #2), spoken]
I can’t read!

[DOUG (as Drunk #1), spoken]
Gutenberg, let’s have some fun!

[BOTH (as Drunk #1 and Drunk #2)]
Gutenberg!
Darn tootin’-berg
He’s the back chap around
Well, at least in this town
Sure as shootin’-berg

[DOUG (as Johan Gutenberg), spoken]
Call me Johan!

[BUD (as Drunk #2), spoken]
Oh, that Gutenberg!

[DOUG (as Johan Gutenberg), spoken]
Johan!

[BUD (as Boot Plaque)]
Gutenberg!

[DOUG (as Johan Gutenberg), spoken]
Hey, it’s the boot plaque!

[BUD (as Boot Plaque)]
Shine your boot-enberg!

[DOUG (as Johan Gutenberg), spoken]
Sure boot plaque!

[BUD (as Boot Plaque)]
You’re a man in his prime
Making friends all the time
No refutin’-berg

(spoken)
Ten ducats!

[DOUG (as Johan Gutenberg), spoken]
Hey hey hey!

[BUD (as Boot Plaque), spoken]
Oh Gutenberg, ho ho ho!

[DOUG (as Johan Gutenberg), spoken]
Okay now fellas
I gotta be gettin’ back to my wine press shop
Don’t you guys have anything to do?

[BUD (as Drunk #2), spoken]
No!

[DOUG (as Drunk #1), spoken]
It’s not like we can read!

[BUD (as Drunk #2), spoken]
You can’t read!

[DOUG (as Drunk #1), spoken]
You can’t read!

[BUD (as Drunk #2), spoken]
Well, wh- what are you going to...

[DOUG (as Drunk #1), spoken]
Gah ah ah ah ah!

[BUD (as Drunk #2), spoken]
Oh shut up!

[DOUG (as Johan Gutenberg), spoken]
Oh, come on guys, let’s not fight!
Here, I’ll buy you a flower from that anti-semitic flower girl!

[BUD (as Flower Girl)]
Here’s a posey you can wear on your lapel
I stole it from a Jew
He cried and he fought and I sent him straight to hell
So now it belongs to you!

[DOUG (as Johan Gutenberg)]
Ooh, Schlimmer!
My lovely Schlimmer!
You are the best darn town in Germany!

[BUD (as Boot Plaque)]
Gutenberg!

[DOUG (as Beef Fat Trimmer)]
Gutenberg!

[BUD (as Flower Girl)]
Gutenberg!

[BOTH (as Drunk #1 and Drunk #2)]
Gutenbar-ar-ar-argh!

[DOUG (as Johan Gutenberg)]
I’m the pride of Schlimmer

[BUD (as Boot Plaque)]
He’s the pride of Schlimmer!

[DOUG (as Johan Gutenberg), overlapping]
I’m the cremé de la creméer

[BOTH (as Johan Gutenberg and Flower Girl)]
He’s/I’m the pride of Schlimmer!

[DOUG (as Johan Gutenberg)]
I’m the cremé de la creméer

[BUD (as Drunk #2), overlapping]
He’s the pride of Schlimmer!

[DOUG (as Johan Gutenberg)]
I am-

[BOTH (as All)]
Gutenberg!