[Intro: Colin and Greg, Colin, Greg]
*Laughter*
[Instrumental - several failed attempts to begin the piano]
(*Chuckles softly*) (Just when you got a good one before!)
[Instrumental - another failed attempt, followed by success]

[Verse 1: Colin, Greg, and vocalists]
Should old relations give you oddball gifts at Christmas-time
Just pop them in the shed 'till you offload 'em down the line
Should you get massage cushions, fragrant candles, or foot spas
Soap on a rope, or lavender-scented crystals for the bath

[Chorus: Colin, Greg, and vocalists]
Completely useless gifts, my friend
We get them all the time
Just whack 'em in the cupboard and
Offload 'em down the line

[Verse 2: Colin, Greg]
(My turn, okay?)
Should you receive prosthеtic limbs, or acrylic lace doilies
Drink coasters, salt and pеpper shakers, or plastic figurines
(Nice work Colin, my turn)
Should you receive teatowels, some Poo-Pourri, or kitchenware (Whoo-hoo)
Should someone give you an electronic removal of hair (Nmmmgh!)
[Chorus: Colin, Greg, and vocalists]
Completely useless gifts, my friend
We get them all the time
Just whack 'em in the cupboard and
Offload 'em down the line
Offload 'em down the line, my friend
Offload 'em down the line
'Til to the op-shop they're consigned
Offload 'em down the line

[Outro: Colin, Greg]
(Heheh, got a good one there!)
(Would you really do that?)