I met her one day at the grocery store
She had a jar of pickles and ingredients for smores I
Said to her smores are sweet but I'm sweeter
She laughed and said "Sure you are, make me a believer"
Oh smores

I met her later for a cup of coffee
Something strange about the way she looked at me
I took her hand, pulled her close, then I kissed her
"Don't ever leave me" she said in a creepy whisper
Oh shit

[Chorus]
My new clingy girlfriend...
Loves to text me all night
My clingy girlfriend
Is jealous of all kinds of Women, my friends, my dog my Xbox
All of the above gotta be second to my clingy girlfriend

A year goes by, and she moves in with me
My man cave is now pink and there are tampons under the sink
I had a drum set I played but she pawned it
At her friends wedding
She reached for the bouquet and she caught it
AWKWARD
She spends her time looking at wedding dresses
Rings and cakes and flowers
YEAH, she's kind of obsessed
I think it's time to consider other options
Cuz I suspect that she's poking holes in the condoms
Need proof

[Chorus]

I made her a cupcake to soften the blow when
I told her "I'm not ready for this level of commitment"
She grabbed for a fork then stabbed me in the arm
And began to pull my hair out
While expressing her resentment
And then she told me
She would murder my whole family, my coworkers
And the girl who took my order that day at Wendy's
Then she set the house on fire
And ran screaming right outside
And I felt guilty as the flames reflected off her teary eyes
So I took her back
And now she won't let me have my car
Or my dog or my beer or my porn
My bathroom, my guitar, my pool table
My camera. my iPhone, my website
My Macbook Pro or my iPad
My vitamins or my coffee maker
The internet or my waffle iron
My tools, my washer dryer combo
Riding lawnmower, my fuel filter or my PS3
Or my sousaphone or my fishing pole or my life