Part I: East

[Intro: L’Carpetron Dookmarriot & J’Dinkalage Morgoone]
Hey, J’Dinkalage!
Yeah, L’Carpetron?
Check out Leoz
I wonder what he’s dreaming about
He is probably dreamin’ about what we’s gon’ do to the team from the West
I wonder

[Verse 1: T'Variusness King]
T’Variusness, T.K. for short
I’m a bad mamma jamma and an awful sport

[Verse 2: Tyroil Smoochie Wallace]
Smoochie Wallace, call me Tyroil
Wrappin’ up rushers like aluminum foil

[Verse 3: Hingle McCringleberry]
McCringleberry, I’m very scary
If I got the ball, you best be wary

[Verse 4: L’Carpetron Dookmarriot]
L’Carpetron Dookmarriot
I love the ball so much I wanna marry it
[Chorus: All, T.J. Juckson, & J'Dinkalage Morgoone]
‘Cause the Eastern schools gonna beat the fools from the West (Ooh, yeah)
Where football’s concerned, we're gonna show you that we are the best (We are the best)

[Verse 5: Ibrahim Moizoos]
I’m Ibrahim Moizoos
And my rhymes are clean like my name was Dr. Seuss

[Verse 6: D'Jasper Probincrux III]
Probincrux the Third, they call me The Probe
I can intercept balls with my earlobes

[Verse 7: Davoin Shower-Handel]
Shower-Handel, that’s my name
Power candle sounds the same

[Verse 8: Jackmerius Tacktheiritix, D’squarius Green, JR., & Javaris Jamar Javarison-Lamar]
With Jackmerius, D’squarius, and Javarison-Lamar

[Verse 9: J’Dinkalage Morgoone & D'Isiah T. Billings-Clyde]
Jaxon-Waxon plays sax and D’Marcus plays guitar

[Saxophone Solo: Xmus Jaxon Waxon-Flaxon]

[Chorus: All, D'Marcus Williums, & Xmus Jaxon Waxon-Flaxon]
‘Cause the Eastern schools gonna beat the fools from the West (Okay! Don’t you know?)
Where football’s concerned, we're gonna show you that we are the best (Indeedy, we are the best)
[Spoken Outro: Leoz Maxwell Jilliumz]
*Gasp* It must have been all a dream
Or was it?

Part II: West

[Spoken Intro: Quatro Quatro]
Oh, it’s on

[Verse 1: Saggitariutt Jefferspin]
Wassup, y’all? It’s Jefferspin
I’m the big left tackle, gonna help us win

[Verse 2: X-Wing @Aliciousness]
X-Wing @Aliciousness
I’ll use my force to give the East distress

[Verse 3: Swirlvithan L’Goodling-Splatt]
L’Goodling-Splatt is where it’s at
Runnin’ through defenders and padding my stats

[Verse 4: Beezer Twelve Washingbeard]
Y’all know me, I’m Washingbeard
Catch so many balls it’s a little weird

[Chorus: All, Quatro Quatro, & Shakiraquan T.G.I.F. Carter]
‘Cause you know we gonna win against the East (This is what we said)
We gonna get the most points and they gonna get the least (It’s tryna calm the voices running through my head)
[Verse 5: D'Glester Hardunkichud]
Back it up, it’s Hardunkichud
I hit the QB and make a noise like thud

[Verse 6: Ozamataz Buckshank]
Can’t block me and all of that jazz
‘Cause y’all don’t want none of this Ozamataz

[Verse 7: The Player Formerly Known As Mousecop, T.J. A.J. R.J. Backslashinfourth V, EEEEE EEEEEEEEE, & Torque (Construction Noise) Lewith]
They player (T.J. A.J.)
Formerly known
Eeeeeeeee!
*Construction noise* Lewith
As Mousecop

[Break: Donkey Teeth]
And Donkey Teeth!

[Verse 8: Sequester Grundelplith, M.D.]
I’m the touchdown man, that’s Grundelplith
But y’all ain’t ready for my man, Dan Smith

[Verse 9: Dan Smith]
Yo, yo
Smith comma Daniel
Other kickers in the league don’t hold a candle
Cheerleaders up on my jock and crotch, those goddamn baby cocker-spaniel
BYU, why you be, mad ‘cause the bitches wanna get with me
Got Swishers Sweets, and dutchies, rollin’ ‘em so my team can touch these
Hittin’ field goals blunted, been drunk when I punted
Been like a hundred times that I already done it
Oh, shit, see, these haters thought I was playin’
Stayin’ away from my face with all the bullshit they sayin’
But just remember who you tauntin’ when you tossin’ those gauntlets
I’m Dan Smith and the West is gettin’ rowdy like monsters