Everybody’s afraid of the police now. I’m scared to death of these police. I am. I got a police scanner. First money I got, that’s the first shit I went out and bought; new police scanner. I just listen to these motherfuckers before I go out. Just to make sure everything’s cool. You hear shit on it.

“Calling all cars, calling all cars. Be on the lookout for a black male between 4’7’’ and 6’8”.

Staying in the crib tonight! Fuuuuck THAT. Got to work on that *alibi* for a minute.

Every black person needs an alibi. I do them impromptu joints. If I’m by myself and need an alibi, I just open up the windows in the apartment; turn the lights on; start beating off right in the window.

“Look at me, hey, everybody, look, it’s me, Dave Chappelle. Crazy. I’m jerking off – note the time, motherfuckers, it’s 2:35; look at me, I’m jerking off in the window, 2:35. Comedian Dave Chappelle, it’s June 10th, NOTE THE TIIIIIIME.”

That shit could save my life.

“Officer, Dave Chappelle *couldn’t* have done that. I saw him in his window masturbating, from 2:35 to 2:37, I’m certain of it. He was standing on a clock and holding a calendar AND today’s paper.”