[Verse 1]
Put your heavy metal to the test
There might be half a love song in it all for you
Timing-wise, it's probably for the best
Come here and kiss me now before it gets too cute

[Chorus]
Mr. Schwartz is stayin' strong for the crew
Wardrobe's lint-rollin' your velveteen suit
And smudgin' dubbin' on your dancin' shoes

[Verse 2]
Gradually, it's coming into view
It's like your little directorial debut
As fine a time as any to deduce
The fact that neither you or I has ever had a clue

[Chorus]
Mr. Schwartz is stayin' strong for the crew
Wardrobе's lint-rollin' your velveteen suit
And smudgin' dubbin' on your dancin' shoes

[Bridge]
And if wе guess who I'm pretending to be
Do we win a prize?
Having attempted twice, both incorrectly
Do we get a third try?
[Verse 3]
The gloved hand's reachin' in to hit the switch
There's not one goddamn thing that you can do about it

[Chorus]
Mr. Schwartz is havin' tea with the grips
Askin' after all the wives and the kids
It's at the heart of what the business is