You set foot in America, one fine October day
Sailing into Baltimore, well, everything's okay
New buttons on your jacket, shining like they're brand-new dimes
Glistening in the sunlight, blistering my eyes

When you said that you love me, I knew it wasn't true
I've 100 unread messages, but not a single note from you

You zoomed up to Philly, they'd taught you to make maps
They commissioned you in piety, and pitied any lapse
So you stormed into Pittsburgh, and waited for the waters to rise
And set sail down the Ohio, with a lost tribe on your mind

When you said that you love me, I knew it wasn't true
I've 200 unread messages, but not a single note from you

As Hurricane Charlie was gathering pace
At night instead of eyelids, I saw pictures of your face
Smiling in the moonlight, shining in a golden hour
Bluffing 'round America, seizing every hour

When you said that you love me, I knew it wasn't true
I've 300 unread messages, but not a single note from you

You left old Kentucky, and sailed to the west
Stopped in Cincinnati, dined with all the best
Reached the Mississippi, took an oath in New Madrid
Fell into a maiden's arms, malaria on your lips
When you said that you love me, I knew it wasn't true
I've 400 unread messages, but not a single note from you

Up to St Louis, Kaskaskia on the way
Walking through the wilderness, sicker by the day
Imaginary volcanoes, and reptiles crawl around
Your mind was baked just like a cake, as trouble gathered round

When you said that you love me, I knew it wasn't true
I've 500 unread messages, but not a single note from you

Defected to the Spanish, you joined the mighty crown
Up the Missouri, flags were coming down
You traded with the Omaha, the Ponca and the Sioux
But missed the lost Padoucas, after all the ballyhoo

When you said that you love me, I knew it wasn't true
I've 600 unread messages, but not a single note from you

Up with the Mandan, you raised the Spanish flag
Survived assassination, worked upon your maps
But the lost tribe was a lost cause, so you cried a silent tear
And fled back to St Louis, to a familiar frontier

When you said that you love me, I knew it wasn't true
I've 700 unread messages, but not a single note from you
Down in New Orleans, the church bells did trill
The body of Don Juan Evans, is staying mighty still
You annexed North Dakota, you surveyed by the stars
But here lies your body, by these disease-ridden bars

When you said that you love me, I knew it wasn't true
I've 800 unread messages, but not a single note from you