Janick: Are we off?
Bruce: Yeah!
Janick: A-one, two-two, th...

Er...
Three. (acoustic guitar starts)
Bruce (putting on Rod Smallwood's Yorkshire accent): I don't know what this bloody track's doing there...
Bloody track
What are these bloody knobs?...
What is?...
What are you doing here?
What about doing all this bloody music?
Stop that!
Stop that (Nicko)!
Bloody hell!
I've had this!
What about the bloody (degrad)...
Pissing about in the bloody studio all the time!
I mean I'm bloody sat here working my fingers to the bone, trying to get this bloody album out at the top of the bloody artwork and Steve wants some bloody blobby tattoo on his bloody willie to draw the bloody head in
What the bloody hell do they think I am?
I've bloody got to walk into the bloody EMI, Capitol, and the biggest bloody record companies in the bloody world and say "
Look here's a bloody picture of a bloody Eddie with a bloke and his fucking dick"!

What the bloody hell do you all think they're gonna make of that?
Why can't they write songs about proper things like cricket?
Aaargh, God!
Boycott!
There we go, man!
There, man!
They're writing bloody stupid songs these day, you know what I mean?

Gremlins Two the bloody great film, you know
If I'd wanted the band to be bloody in it well they'd be bloody in it and all this, you know, bloody stupid
Bloody blood everywhere, it's brilliant!
Bloody hell, where's the bloody cricket?
I know it's Christmas!
It shouldn't make any fucking difference should it, they should be putting cricket on
Speaking of Christmas, I invited some bastard round at Christmas
He ain't paid me for the bloody turkey yet
What did he have?
Two-thirds of a breast and half a thigh
That'll be five pounds sixty-three pence
What a cunt, there's some bloody arseholes around these days
You never know they stab you in the back as soon as look at you
Nicko!
Nicko!
Nicko stop wearing that bloody jacket and those (unintelligible)
You look bloody pregnant, man
Oooh, don't give me that stupid look
How many bloody change have you got?
Never mind how many change I've got
How many bloody change have you got?
Couldn't you dress appropriately on a golf course, Nicko
Nooo!
You don't wear...
You wouldn't come onto a bloody golf course or a bloody drumkit wearing a bloody...
A bloody silk bloody satin bloody whatever the bloody hell it is, would you?
Well, I don't care if you're a pop star, you're a bloody...
You're on a bloody golf course now
You're bloody embarrassing me
You're embarrassing me
You come with a bloody jacket and tie next time, I tell you
Now, shut up 'cos I'm going to adjust...
No, I'm not gonna bloody adjust you anymore, I'm gonna adjust the ball
Right, I'm adjusting the ball
I'm standing here right now, ok. (mumbles something unintelligible) Where's the bloody ball?
Right here, right
See now...
Fault!
Fault!
Get out of the bloody way, you stupid...!
Get out of the way, you stupid arseholes!
Get out!
I'm bloody going to play the f...
I'm bloody going to play the ball!
Fucking f...
I'll hit them on the bloody head never mind
Right
Here we go, right
Whooooo...
Bastard!
Bollocks off!
Fucking hell!
Fuck!
Fuck!
Fuck!
It's all you bloody fault
It's all you bloody fault
It's all...
I can pick it up, can't I?
Why not?!
What is it?
What?
What's up with the fucking rules?
What bloody rules?
These stupid bloody rules
Well how should I...
Where is it?
In the water!?
What am I suppos...
Look!
Well you'll have to get it
It's your bloody fault
You bloody get it!
Yes, now!
I'm not...
I don't care if it's not part of your job description
Record producer?
Wha...
Well you'll never bloody work again
Get in that bloody water now or you'll never bloody work again
Bloody nerve!
Record producer!
You know who I am?
What do you mean you've never heard of me?
You must have seen me number plate, it's on me Range Rover
Where do I live?
Well how should I know if there's any mountains in Bayswater? (unintelligible) anyway. (unintelligible) bloody legs, aren't they?
You know, I mean...
I mean what good is the bloody music without the...
See, what good is the bloody music without the sleeve I ask him
No!
No!
No!
Nobody's bothered about the music Steve
Only you and the fans
I mean...
I mean if it wasn't for the bloody fans I wouldn't be here!
You understand?
You know, I mean I'm only bloody...
I'm not doing this for fun!
You know, I mean...
Steve...
No, no, no
Steve...
No, no, no
No need to talk to me like that Steve
Now look...
Now look, I'm only arguing with you for fun, Steve
No, of course I don't mean it
I just want to give you the (unintelligible) driving to an early grave, you know
But, er...
Nick...
Oh, oh...
Nicko!
Nicko!
Nicko, not behind that bush
Nooo!
It's Win...
It's Windsor bloody golf course, the bloody queen plays here
If she fucking played golf she'd play here!
Oh for Christ's...
What if bloody lord what's his name walked here
Ooooh...
You what? "
Fear Of The Dark"?
You want to call it "
Fear Of The Dark"? (sighs) Hold on, I'll see what the bloke at the bloody off-license thinks about it
Like, listen
I've spoken to the bloke at the bloody off-license and I've spoken to the minicab driver, and he thinks it should be called "
Blood-Sweating Beer", nothing like a bloody good Yorkshire title, like
Look, you get on with the bloody music and we'll deal with important stuff like, you know, the marketing and the design and the sleeve and the photograph, anything goes to me
I've got a lot better title
What about "
L
A.'s From Here To Eternity" or "
Bayswater Ain't A Bad Place To Be"
Well I know Bayswater isn't rock'n'roll, Steve, but neither was Monterey until bloody Hendrix went there
The Isle of Wight was never bloody rock'n'roll until the bloody Beatles went there
Oh I know the Beatles never went there, but it's only a bloody detail
Don't be so fucking pedantic
Oh, bloody hell!
What?
This bloody song?
This bloody song...
What about calling it...
What about calling it "
Fear Of The Gulf"? "
Fear Of The Gulf" No, not the Gulf!
You don't want to depress everybody
What's that got to do with...
You've already got a song about the Gulf War
Afraid To Shoot Strangers", this is about the Gulf War
Well the Gulf War's over, Steve!
It's already happened and it's not news anymore
Couldn't you change it, one letter and make it about golf
Golf's happening all the time!
It happens every bloody year
The Gulf War never happens every bloody year, does it?
I mean they'll have forgotten about it in five years' time
You're not singing about the bloody Second World War now
But nobody's singing songs about golf
You'll go to the bloody market, I'm telling you!
You will!
You will!
What is this bloody bit of graffiti on the bog wall? "
I'm not afraid to shoot managers"!
Who put it there?
Who put it there, hands up!
Who put it there?
Who did?
Mark?
Mark put it there?
He bloody works for me
He never told me he could read or write!
I'll have to bloody watch my back now
There's a bloody conspiracy theory going on
Bloody hell!
Who wants to talk to me?
Who?
Who's on the phone?
An artist?
Bloody numby cunty, tell him to fuck off I'm watching the bloody golf
Oh, somebody still owes me for half the cost of that bloody turkey when he came 'round for Christmas dinner
Bloody nerve!
Mind you!
Mind you, you do have to look up
You know, I mean the lads, they not so bad
I know they don't mean everything they say because...
Because ultimately I'm always right
And in the end it's always my ideas that do get chosen even though I didn't think of them
Well, not quite
I mean I like to think of meself as being a...
A creative Geoffrey Boycott
You know, like the bloke who stood there for hours and hours until the crowd went still, and then he was still shown on the telly after they were all dead
Oh, yes!
The legend will live on!
And they bloody know me down the Indian, you know
I'm a bloody superhuman cricket man, boycotting existential golfing machine!
I can't dig the Blues, but I can dig a bloody (unintelligible), I can bloody tell you!
I'm a matchless millionaire, a bloody volcanised (unintelligible)
Roderick Smallwood, made my own bloody number plate
I'll bloody tell them
I tell you I'm bloody glad I came back here from LA
England bloody needs me