[Verse 1: James Corden]
Millennials, let me introduce you to this guy
His name is David, he was famous in '95
'Cause that's when he was on TV then
Now it's 2016 and he has no friends
Get it? No friends, not famous ever again
He was a Kardashian on TV, but that was only for pretend
You played Robert and that was a great combo
But you are so white, you shoulda probably played the Bronco
What I'm saying is, this battle's a blockbuster
So I'm sad, I know you're going to spit something lacklustre
But now you got the chance to prove you've got balls
While I ignore you like Jennifer Aniston does your calls

[Verse 2: David Schwimmer]
A Brit in America's your one claim to fame
We all know as an actor, your roles were all the same
The heavy best friend, the humorous sidekick
With a belly so big, you can't find your own...
Dickens, the author we all read as kids
He's British like you, but people know who he is
You must be a masochist — you want to battle me?
This won't end well, mate; it's not Love, Actually
To be clear, I love the English, I married your kind
But why your wife chose you? My bad, she blind?
Rap was born in this country, you're a tourist here
Do us a favor, James: just change your career
[Verse 3: James Corden]
Oh, come on, David Schwimmer!
How are you such a loser when your name rhymes with "winner"?
You're so one-note with every role that you play
I'm like, "Hey, I didn't know Ross from Friends knew OJ!"
I'm a fast car, quickly passing you in NASCAR
I'm an animal, you just voiced one in Madagascar
Oh, he's surprised, didn't know that I could slay
What's the matter? No one told you life was gonna be this way?
And one thing, you're not a true MC
I fucking destroyed you, this was must-see TV
I'm sorry this battle has left you so blue
But unlike this crowd, I'll be there for you

[Verse 4: David Schwimmer]
Destroy me? Please, your rhymes totally blew
I worked with a monkey that had more skills than you
I'm not worried, no one heard a word that you said
The only people watch your show are asleep or dead
You're late night, I'm primetime; you're cola, I'm fine wine
Go home, you're done, this battle is mine
Did you think I'd be scared, walk around gingerly
When everyone knows your middle name is Kimberley?
I'm tall and lean, you're short and stout
They know me in Japan, they know you at In 'n' Out
You embarrass your country, this was easy for me
Bitch, lay down the mic and go make me some tea
(One cream, one sugar)
[Verse 5: Rebel Wilson]
Alright, stop, enough of this clapping
Why the hell do you wanna hear two white men rapping?
I'm the Rebel MC, I'm crack-a-lackin'
I come packing boobs, show these dudes what they're lacking
David, your career, it's a huge mistake
It's like Ross and Rachel: it's on a break
All jokes aside, man, I think you're great
I'm your biggest fan, when I was eight
Carpool Karaoke, you think it's your big thing
But everyone is thinking, "Shut up and let Adele sing!"
You speak English, but you can't even rap
Your rhymes are nonexistent like my inner thigh gap
Don't battle me, 'cause you know it's not worth it
Everybody knows my rhymes are pitch perfect!