[Verse 1]
Uncle Vernon, Uncle Vernon
Independent as a hog on ice
He's a big shot down there at the slaughterhouse
Plays accordion for Mr. Weiss
Uncle Biltmore and Uncle William
Made a million during World War II
But they're tightwads and they're cheapskates
And they'll never give a dime to you

[Verse 2]
Auntie Mame has gone insane
She lives in the doorway of an old hotel
And the radio is playing opera
All she evеr says is "go to Hell"
Uncle Violet flеw as a pilot
And there ain't no pretty girls in France
Now he runs a tidy little bookie joint
They say he never keeps it in his pants
Uncle Bill will never leave a will
And the tumor is as big as an egg
He has a mistress, she's Puerto Rican
And I heard she has a wooden leg

[Verse 3]
Uncle Phil can't live without his pills
He has emphysema and he's almost blind
And we must find out where the money is
Get it now before he loses his mind
Uncle Vernon, Uncle Vernon
Independent as a hog on ice
He's a big shot down there at the slaughterhouse
He plays accordion for Mr. Weiss