The piano has been drinking
My necktie is asleep
And the combo went back to New York
The jukebox has to take a leak

And the carpet needs a haircut
And the spotlight looks like a prison break
'Cause the telephone's out of cigarettes
And the balcony's on the make

And the piano has been drinking
The piano has been drinking

And the menus are all freezing
And the light man's blind in one eye
And he can't see out of the other
And the piano-tuner's got a hearing aid
And he showed up with his mother

And the piano has been drinking
The piano has been drinking

'Cause the bouncer is a sumo wrestler
Cream puff Casper milquetoast
And the owner is a mental midget
With the I.Q. of a fencepost
'Cause the piano has been drinking
The piano has been drinking

And you can't find your waitress
With a geiger counter
And she hates you and your friends
And you just can't get served without her

And the box office is drooling
And the bar stools are on fire
And the newspapers were fooling
And the ashtrays have retired

'Cause the piano has been drinking
The piano has been drinking
The piano has been drinking

Not me, not me, not me, not me, not me