[Verse 1: Paul Heaton]
All the secrets we have shared
Have moved to a couple better paired
So if he impales himself on javelin or spike
I will try my best to be the perfect lookalike

And if he wants to be smart
And enter a property quiz
Every weed in the garden's mine, but the lawnmower's his
Every weed in the garden's mine, but the lawnmower's his

[Chorus: Dave Hemingway, Jacqui Abbott, & Heaton]
And if his manhood needs the help of scaffold or even a winch
I will gladly supplement that extra little inch
And if it ever reaches tie-break at the property quiz
If they've got my fingerprints on, they're my tits and fanny, not his
If they've got my fingerprints on, mine, not his

[Verse 2: Heaton]
Now you've found someone new
May I watch him do what I used to do?
So if he dies an ugly death or even if he faints
I'll be there at the window with my face pressed up against

Maybe I shouted too loud
Maybe you were blissfully deaf
But I hope he's a better sport than he was a ref
But I hope he's a better sport than he was a ref
[Chorus: Abbott, Hemingway, & Heaton]
And if his manhood needs the help of scaffold or even a winch
I will gladly supplement that extra little inch
And if it ever reaches tie-break at the property quiz
If they've got my fingerprints on, they're my tits and fanny, not his
If they've got my fingerprints on, mine, not his

[Verse 3: Heaton]
I hope he likes to fly
And is a good host to every guest
'Cause there's less chance of dying in a crash than being bored to death
Yes, there's less chance of dying in a crash than being bored to death

[Chorus: Abbott, Hemingway, & Heaton]
And if his manhood needs the help of scaffold or even a winch
I will gladly supplement that extra little inch
And if it ever reaches tie-break at the property quiz
If they've got my fingerprints on, they're my tits and fanny, not his
If they've got my fingerprints on, mine, not his

[Outro: Heaton]
Now you've found someone new