[Verse 1]
When you called me a useless druggie
At least you got half of it right
When you called me a hopeless alcoholic
I'm only hopeless after nine at night

And when you said I came staggering home blind drunk
If I didn't, you'd get terrible fright
And if this is the land of hope and glory
Where's the land of hope but not quite?

[Chorus 1]
I've been scruff bag, dirt bag, always someone's bin bag
But never been Bono or Sting
However I dressed never really impressed
So they never got to hear a damn thing

I've been bad man, sad man, certified mad
But never 007 or saint
Trendsetter, go-getter, international jet setter
Are just a few things that I ain't

Trendsetter, go-getter, international jet setter
Are just a few things that I ain't...

[Verse 2]
The time you told class I was a half-wit
Was my very first 50%
Previous best in any other test
Was either stolen, copied, or lent
And when you branded me and every single one of my mates
A waste of time and effort to teach
Why'd you give us sums if our only hope was bums
On someone else's deckchair and beach?

[Chorus 2]
I've been smart-arse, mardy-arse, on-and-off a lard-arse
But never been a legend to God
New thing, dumb thing, even last year's thing
Headbang? Not even a nod!

I've been left-wing, secure-wing, lost stripes, gained wing
We've never caused a lady to faint
Wide boy, ladyboy, read-it-in-the-paper boy
A few things they said that I ain't

Wide boy, ladyboy, read-it-in-the-paper boy
A few things they said that I ain't...

[Bridge]
When popularity soared, hometown and abroad
I spent most of it trying to breathe in
Always ill at ease, too willing to please
An inferior life's bargain bin

When you come from a background of bargain bins
You're bound to fear it ends where it begins
So when nation adored, we felt more of a fraud
And too phoney to celebrate wins
[Chorus 1]