[Verse 1: Link & Rhett]
First off, I wanna tell you I enjoyed the pizza
Well, it really wasn't great, but it allowed me to meet-cha
I'd like your number, but I'm not gonna leave a big tip to get it
That means he's cheap and pathetic, and if you date him, you'll regret it

[Verse 2: Rhett & Link]
Twenty-three percent from me communicates
I'm generous, not desperate, and I can calculate
Is she supposed to be impressed?
Well, if you wanna battle, be my guest

[Verse 3: Link]
I'm a computer programmer and a cubicle dweller
I disabled Spell Check cause I'm a stellar speller
When I write an e-mail that includes an attachment
I never hit "send" before I've attached it

[Verse 4: Rhett]
Your job is a bore, I keep it hardcore
Selling knives and insurance from door to door
You're reflecting on a water cooler conversation
I'm giving an incredible knife demonstration

[Skit: Rhett & Link]
May I interest you in some accidental death coverage, or a hard boiled egg slicer?
I can change your computer wallpaper to a tropical beach scene
Egg slicer
[Verse 5: Link & Rhett]
I carpool, 'cause I'm environmentally sensitive
I pack a snorkel 'cause I'm clever and so inventitive
It's "inventive", "inventitive" isn't a word
Yeah, I just inventited it, you just got served

[Verse 6: Rhett& Link]
Well, when I carpool, I take a group of third graders
On my way to work, I teach them multiplication tables
See, I'm a role model, an example to the youth
Then why did this kid just tell me that one times one is two?

[Verse 7: Link]
At the gym, people line up just to give me a spot
All eyes on me when I'm poppin' a squat
My career Plan B is to teach P.E
The model on this machine, he's based on me

[Verse 8: Rhett]
I've mastered the art of mental manipulation
Working every muscle group through meditation
This is me working out my triceps
Pick up my DVD called Mind Reps

[Verse 9: Link, Rhett]
My sense of style is sweet like syrup
It's not uncommon for people to think I'm from Europe
I don't follow the trends, I'm a style pioneer
See this turtleneck with a necklace? You'll be wearing this next year
[Instrumental Break]

[Skit: Rhett & Link]
Is that all you got?
Nope

[Verse 10: Link & Rhett]
I see buttons, I just push 'em to see what they do
If something were to go wrong, I'd just blame it on you
I'm quick-witted, I always know just what to say
Then say something clever
Uh, okay

[Verse 11: Link & Rhett]
I was offered a record deal while singin' at a karaoke bar
But I turned it down and became the president's karaoke czar
I rescued a dolphin entangled in a tuna net
And donated it to an orphanage to keep as a pet

[Verse 12: Link & Rhett]
I gave the Heimlich to a horse choking on beef jerky
Two hours later, he won the Kentucky Derby
I'm allergic to nothing
I'm allergic to weakness
I embrace my weaknesses and call them uniquenesses
[Verse 13: Link & Rhett]
I can drive a stick shift
Well, I can golf
Well, I can make it look like my thumb is coming off
I invented the Half Nelson
I invented the Full Nelson!
I've got a signed picture of Boris Yeltsin

[Verse 14: Link & Rhett]
My uncle is a lawyer!
I roll my own sushi!
I use the metric system exclusively!
I know Morse code!
Well, I can speak it!
[Morse Code]

[Skit: Rhett & Link]
You just said that the square root of raspberry should be legalized
Exactly