[Verse 1]
Just try to discern what all the
Christmas themed cups by your
Bedside could possibly mean about your process of thought
They hold far fewer ice cubes than the mugs
Gathering dust in the cupboard by the Icey-Hot patches
Or the batches of thermometers
Or flocks of thermometers
To the North of the birthday cake candles
That I bought, back when I thought
Birthday cakes meant growing up, and...

[Chorus]
I've been masturbating far more frequently
I've been joining dating websites recently
I could use a patient, sturdy boned, level headed man
To care for a girl like me
Put my lips on anything, baby
Puking pineapple party drinks lately
I've talked nearly almost everyone in my life
Into wanting to poison me

[Verse 2]
It's just a matter of
Fucking time until I develop nasolabial lines
Indicating the first signs
Of being too old to illegally posses porn or cigarettes
A credit card, a mickey of rum or place bets and
No amount of chocolate milk
Or toads as pets
No sledding and no sunny day lemon-aid booth
Will restore my wasted youth
And
[Chorus]
I've been masturbating far more frequently
I've been joining dating websites recently
I could use a patient, sturdy boned, level headed man
To care for a girl like me
Put my lips on anything, baby
Puking pineapple party drinks lately
I've talked nearly almost everyone in my life
Into wanting to poison me

[Outro]
Clearing of our parish from ill fame and calumny
But also a thing which will, I trow, appear too often in it, to wit
That I am nothing more than a plain, unlettered man
Not read in foreign languages, as a gentleman might be
Nor gifted with long words, even in mine own tongue